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becomingjaxsmama

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August 2015

Diamond Rings & Old Barstools

One’s for queens and one’s for fools One’s the future and one’s the past One’s forever and one won’t last We ain’t like midnight and cigarette smoke Nothing like watered down whiskey and coke I guess some things just  don’t mix like you hoped like me & you.

Jaxson this one is for you. 

Do you think people could ever be soulmates but not meant to be together? I didn’t until I met Jack.

My “How I Met Your Father” story is pretty classic. I was 20 years old when I met your dad (for the purpose of this story we will call him Jack). We both went to the same college but he was a year older than I was. At the time I was coming out of a 4 year long relationship so I wasn’t looking for any type of relationship. Of course when you aren’t looking for anybody that is when someone walks into your life that changes it forever. Since I was coming out from a hard break up I was really into one of Jack’s good friend because he was not your relationship type of guy,that’s actually how I met Jack. I was sitting outside late one night smoking a camel blue in my favorite spot on campus when this guy came and sat next to me, Jack. I was actually really annoyed he sat next to me but it must have been fate or something that he did. By the end of our conversation I was pissed. This was exactly what I didn’t want.. to get attached to someone but here we were.

There was just something about him and our connection was undeniable. He was basically the boy version of myself, which I should have known was trouble from the beginning. We loved the same music (Eminem) and were obsessed with the same show (How I Met Your Mother). We even had our favorite Eminem songs tattooed on us. He had the lyrics from Beautiful on his rib cage and I had my lotus flower on my upper rib, completely unplanned. There were a lot more things we had in common than that but these are what we bonded over. But there were also a lot of things we didn’t have in common as well. He loved winter and snow, I hated it. I am more a beach and summer type person. Again that is just one among many.

At first your dad had a hard time believing I was an Eminem fan so he tried to test me. He asked me my favorite song and at the time it had been Puke. He said “There I go” expecting that I wouldn’t know the next line but I threw it right back at him with a sassy tone and smirking like I was talking about him, “thinking of you again.” I still shake my head every time I think about it.

The first drink we ever had together is this nasty made up mix drink I was obsessed with called a James Bond. It got that name because it was so good you sucked it down and out of no where it hit you like a truck. We shared James Bond’s for awhile that night and ended up running around the dorm making history. We stole the mouse from one of the study rooms so one of our friends could use it to play video games and we tore down all these Halloween decorations for no apparent reason. I still have some of those decorations sadly.

After that night I was hooked. Which unfortunately meant I was doing everything in my power to make him not like me because I was too scared of getting hurt again. I eventually told Jack that’s why things never really worked and how our timing was always off but he knew he was partly responsible for that too.

Your dad loves to snowboard, he had a competition shortly after I had met him. Of course his ride fell through and I let him borrow my car. He was so embarrassed to be driving this girly eco friendly car when he was more into trucks and motorcycles. But you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.

The seasons were quickly changing that year because I was having so much fun running between Jack and his friend. Our dorm rooms were not well air conditioned so when it started getting hot in the dorms it was miserable to sleep in there. Jack’s bed was right next to the window in his room and mine unfortunately was not. One really hot night I was up talking with my roommate because we couldn’t sleep. I had changed both of Jack and his friend’s ringtones to the same thing and changed their names in my phone to XX. This was my silly version of trying not to pick a preference when I talked to them and not have feelings for either of them. So as I was sitting talking to my roommate probably about one of them or maybe both, one of them called me. It was the friend and he needed me to go pick him so of course there I was jumping when he said jump like an idiot. When I got in the car I got another call again from XX I assumed it was the friend but the voice sounded like Jack he said “can you take me to Waffle House I’ll get you something.” You would think I would have been able to tell whose voice it was over the phone but now I was confused. Were they together or was I just delusional and only one had called me? I show up to our mutual friends apartment to get whichever boy I was getting. Funny thing was the friend jumped in the front seat and Jack got in the back, at least I wasn’t an idiot and knew that I wasn’t talking to the same person on the phone each time. The whole way to Waffle House they were making fun of my ex boyfriend and acting all territorial over me like the two friends were in some type of competition.

We got to Waffle House and I had completely lost my appetite because as we walked in they both texted me wanting to hang out alone afterwards. I knew I would rather spend time with Jack but how was I supposed to be able to tell which was which to respond? I just ignored both of their texts until we got back to the dorm. All three of us smoked a cigarette on the porch. It was the most awkward thing ever and I still don’t know why, maybe they both were trying to get me to sleepover? I don’t know. I walked upstairs (going to my own room) with the friend because Jack had stayed outside. I think he was bummed I didn’t seem like I wanted to hang out. I got another text and I knew it was from Jack because I was still with his friend talking. I made up some lame excuse and ran down the stairs to go meet Jack out front. I am so glad that I had chosen to spend time with him that night even though his friend had made a tempting offer. That’s the night we really clicked on a different level, it all fell together that night at least for me.

That night we sat outside talking for awhile and looking at the stars. It was nicer outside than it was inside with the whole air conditioning thing going on. Just like always we ended up going inside to watch How I Met Your Mother until we fell asleep. It was way too hot to fall asleep so we had the window open and laid right in front of it until the sun came up. Then like always the spell was broken we went to class and acted like nothing had ever happened.

Summer came and went that year but I hadn’t heard a word from Jack. Before we left for school I knew he had started seeing this other girl. I had actually met her some of my friends and his friends said not to worry about her because she wasn’t anything serious and she was basically a bigger version of me. I was totally jealous but was never ever going to admit that.. until now obviously. I had started talking to a new guy anyways because Jack and I had just realized it wasn’t going to work between us. The first night back at school I will never forget my reaction when one of our mutual friends told me Jack was not coming back to school, at least not this semester. Realizing why I hadn’t heard from him in so long I wanted to get a hold of him even more just to make sure he was ok. While he was away I talked to him a few times over the phone and we exchanged a few texts. I found myself more obsessed with my phone than usual because I was hoping to get the chance to talk to him again.

Sometime around my 21st birthday he came back to school although I hadn’t seen him yet I was really trying to. On the night of my birthday I actually black out called him (don’t ever use your phone to call anyone but me when you are drunk) telling him to come over even though my boyfriend was with me.. all around stupid but that’s what your daddy did to me. He made me crazy on all types of levels.

One night I had him come get me and everything picked up where we had left it like nothing had changed although everything had. We went to his apartment which had all of this girls stuff scattered around in it but I didn’t care I was just happy to see him. We listened to Eminem on my phone while we talked. You wouldn’t have believed the tension between us if I tried to describe it. After that night we didn’t see each other for awhile but we talked periodically that’s how we always were. Off and on, hot and cold, up and down.

One of my favorite memories with your dad was the night he broke the wine bottle in my new apartment. My two new roommates and I were having a drinks and cards night. I invited Jack to come but I didn’t actually expect him to show up or anything. Then the doorbell rang. Now there is something you have to understand this boy made me crazy like a middle school crush. So when that doorbell rang I chugged the rest of my drink then went to open the door. Of course he brought some weird cheap wine and we all sat down to play Phase 10 and house Jenga. The table we were playing at was this cards table that wasn’t the sturdiest so you had to be careful not to knock it or everything would fall. Which is hard when you are playing Jenga and drinking.. Of course Jack hits the table all of our drinks flip over and his wine shatters on the floor. We were still picking up pieces of glass a month later. This night doesn’t sound like it was anything significant but it was important to me. My friends had wondered why I was so infatuated with Jack. Their impressions of him weren’t very good. That night they got to see the Jack I knew and the one I was crazy about not the one they thought he was or sometimes was I guess.

For the next year we saw each other every once and awhile. Whenever we did get to hang out it was always amazing. There are so many memories that distinctly stick out in my mind as I am thinking back on all the different times but the most important memories that you’ll be concerned with starts in January 2015.

My year long boyfriend and I (not Jack) had just broken up which was probably for the best because for me it had always been Jack. I had always been too scared to get close to Jack since I was tired of getting hurt all the time. Jack and I were basically the only people on campus at the time since I was doing a winter internship. The night we broke up (again not Jack) I called Jack and told him to come get me because I didn’t want to sulk or be alone. For the next week we spent a lot of time together like we used to and that old spark that I felt came right back. Of course being scared by these overwhelming feelings I had towards him I went back to my exboyfriend like an idiot. I was playing games with Jack and he knew it, he called me on it a few times. He made it very clear he was not going to play back so things drifted off again. That week we did hang out he tried to get me to like the show Psych. On the way home each morning to drop me off we talked about all the houses we liked that we saw along the way. I never imagined that 7 months later he would be buying a house with his new girlfriend and I would be having his baby.

There was this one night in January right before everyone came back to school including my recent ex-boyfriend. I was nervously drinking trying to avoid that my life as I knew it was changing. I called Jack and told him I was drinking. He was with one of his friends giving him a tattoo that they were way too proud of. Yes unfortunately Jack owns a tattoo gun. After they were done they came and picked me up in his friend’s truck to take me back to Jack’s apartment. We were singing Eminem the whole way there and sitting way too close together, it felt like old times as usual. We were all drinking and having a good time. This night was important because it was like his friend saw that weird connection we had that only a few people had seen before. Jack left the room for a little and his friend was asking me a bunch of questions about us. I just chugged my drink being too embarrassed to say anything, he obviously knew who I was and was just trying to see if I was still into Jack like I used to be. We got back in the car and drove back to campus to go to my apartment. There we continued drinking and his friend was daring me to kiss him like this was kindergarten or something. We both just looked at each other for a second like we had this secret his friend didn’t know it was weird. Then like the jackass he is he said “yeah you won’t.” So I did. His friend clapped like an asshole till we stopped. Later that night his friend left so he was stranded at my house. We sat on the couch talking; there was one thing I will never forget him saying. He said “I feel like an idiot when I kiss you because we have this crazy connection and I feel like I can’t do it right or something.” Five minutes later he was passed out with his head in my lap. I tucked him in on the couch and went to bed.

Jack absolutely hates his birthday for the same reason I do, we simple get to excited about our birthdays then nothing good ever happens that day. So when his birthday came around I decided we should hang out maybe have a drink. What better of an opportunity to make amends right? I had been drinking a little (shocker I know) when my friend and I went to go pick him up. We brought him back to our apartment to drink a little, we were having too much fun so we discussed turning our drink into a sleepover. At some point we went outside to talk about it was like the stars had been aligning or some where shit because it started snowing (your daddy loves snow). We were flirting, talking, drinking, kissing, and making snow balls as the snow fell on us. Those snowballs we made were in my freezer until graduation day as weird as that is.It was like it was from a damn movie or something. Everything felt like it was just right again that night. Of course that was the night you came into our lives without us evening knowing. The next morning we had breakfast and coffee together then I dropped him back at his apart like it was business as usual. Except for it wasn’t we had just created life. Our lives were now changed for every, well at least mine was.

Unfortunately you know how this ended I wrote it in my post “son of jack.” The past three years I have known Jack I always felt like fate made or paths cross for whatever reason no matter how lame that sounds. I don’t know what you believe in but maybe it was destined I meet Jack just not for the reasons I had thought. Maybe the whole purpose of us wasn’t for us to be together but for me to get you. If that is all that ever comes from our “relationship” than I am more than satisfied with that ending.

Trying to figure out what to say and how to tell you about your dad has been a real interesting experience. I know one day you will have questions about your daddy because as of right now it doesn’t look like you will know him at all so I hope that this will help with anything and everything you want to know. Some people may call him a deadbeat dad or an asshole which yes that’s partly true but that isn’t all there is to him. I hope you do not resent him for not being ready or able to be your daddy at 23 years old.

Here are some more random facts about your dad you might want to know. I am trying to remember as much as I can. I will continue to update this over the years as I remember more so hopefully it will have tons of stuff for you by the time you read this.

He had this dog a black lab that he was obsessed with. When that dog died around his birthday my Sophomore year it broke his heart.

He loves Wild Irish Rose & Sake (which I think is gross).

He loves to hunt & fish, he even bought a boat in college.

He listens to MGK, the rap god & Yelawolf (I never got into that).

He got really good a poker at one point due to an obscene amount of free time, unfortunate story.

He worked at Taco Bell during that unfortunate story.

He had these hilarious pink briefs that said “tickle my pickle” that went perfectly with my ballerina underwear.

He has a ghost like personality.

He liked to smoke camel blue and 27s.

God only knows how many tattoos he has but he did buy a tattoo gun & started practicing tattooing his own thighs, some of them are actually really good. My favorite was the dove maybe because I watched him work on it. I probably have a picture of it saved some where.

His zodiac sign is Pisces.

 

 XOXO Jax’s Mama

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“Aren’t you going to regret all of your tattoos now that you are going to be a mom?”

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One thing every woman needs to embrace themselves for when they get pregnant is that now everyone around you feels the need to tell you how to live your life by giving you unwanted opinions and advice. Not to mention absolutely nobody respects your personal space.

Before I was pregnant people, including my parents, voiced their not so thrilled opinion of me getting tattoos. The one line that every person with tattoos is familiar with is “aren’t you going to regret that when you are old and wrinkly?” Hell no I’m not. Each tattoo I got represents a different time in my life or has special meaning for me. Now that I am pregnant people say “aren’t you going to regret all of your tattoos now that you are going to be a mom?” or my favorite “wouldn’t you be mad if your kid wanted to get tattoos when he is older?” My answer is still no. People use tattoos to express themselves and can have deep meaning to them unless it’s a silly smiley face on their ass ;).

Growing up I knew I wanted tattoos but it was a rule in my house that I couldn’t get one or my parents wouldn’t pay for my college. I tested that theory and look at me I have a college degree.

My first real tattoo was on my foot it says “Everything happens for a reason.” How was I going to regret that tattoo? That fact was never going to change. I got it because I am firm believer in fate, destiny and karma. Not a lot of people knew that was why I got it because nobody asks what it means since it’s pretty self explanatory.

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My second one came months later it was an infinity sign with “Just Breathe” written in it.I got mine before Miley Cyrus did so … she copied me. This one was supposed to be a reminder that life goes on you just need to breathe through the hard stuff. When my mom saw it I told her I got it when my dog died but I had actually got it before than to represent a life event that she doesn’t even know exists.

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My third tattoo was a lotus flower. A lotus flower is grown in murky water and rises to the top into something beautiful. It is basically a symbol of not letting the hands you were dealt impact your whole life. The Eminem song lyrics that go along with this are “Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we’re dealt we gotta take these cards ourselves and flip em, don’t expect no help now I could have either just sat on my ass and pissed and moaned or take this situation in which I’m places in and get up and get my own.”

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My fourth one is one of everyone’s favorites, probably because they feel bad for asking after they do. I have a four leaf Celtic clover on my left wrist that has all three of my parents last names in it and an empty one. The third mystery parent is my biological mother’s last name. I planned on putting my husband’s last name in the empty heart shaped clover but we will see what happens.

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The last tattoo I got is the one that bothers everyone! It is a scorpion on my left hip (looks a little weird now that I am pregnant lol). Nobody likes it because it’s the one tattoo I didn’t explain to many people and I’m not going to start now, except “Jack” he was a pretty big fan of it. The people who do know get it which is why they know. My generic answer actually comes from the One Tree Hill explanation of Taylor James scorpion tattoo.  “At some point in her life, she got a tattoo of a scorpion claiming that it represents her ‘paralyzing her victims’, but in reality she got the tattoo because of the story she heard about scorpions stinging themselves to death..”

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The only thing that is going to prevent me from getting more tattoos is the simple fact that I can’t afford those or justify spending my money like that when I have a baby to raise. I am definitely not done getting tattoos I still have two in mind that I am not ready to give up on getting yet.

XOXO Jax’s Mama

The Challenge Only I Accepted

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For the “father” of my son. All you missed and more.

It’s funny because one of the episodes on How I Met Your Mother we watched together is the one where Ted and Barney decide its a good idea to raise a baby together. They both accepted that challenge together. Here I am accepting our challenge to raise this baby all on my own.

I think I am supposed to hate you for making me do this on my own because my son will grow up without you and I have nobody to share this experience with. Instead I want to thank you. By not doing me any favors you have done me a lot of favors. Not having to try to make a relationship with you work or fighting through trying to co parent. You’ve also given us the opportunity to invite someone into our little family that wants to be in both of our lives. As selfish as you are being I am choosing to see it as an opportunity instead of another abandonment.

Now with that said I don’t know how in the world I am going to learn to forgive you if you ever do decide you want to be apart of our babies life. Not being here for my pregnancy you have already missed so much, with me and the baby. I can maybe forgive you for not being there for me but once this baby is born I will not be able to forgive you for everything you missed as he grows up to be a better man than you ever will be.

Curious to what you’ve missed thus far? My first sonogram I took my cousin and my mom with me to see the baby for the first time. It was so cute he was literally so small you actually would have thought it was cute. The next time we saw little baby on a sonogram was to find out the gender. He had grown so much, it was such a cool experience. I fell even more in love with this baby that day which I didn’t even know was possible.

There are two experiences that actually make me upset that you weren’t there for. The first one was when I got a shooting pain on my left side on a Friday night. I thought it was normal back pain because when it started it was just uncomfortable for me to be sitting. I went to bed early expecting I would wake up and I would feel as good as new. Unfortunately I woke up at 1 AM in more than I had been before. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the back and it was only getting worse. I tried laying in every position, I tried sitting up and standing but nothing was waking me feel better. I started crying because it hurt so badly and I felt like I couldn’t breathe at points. Finally after an hour of trying to get comfortable I walked to my parents room to wake them up. I didn’t want to because I knew they were mad I was pregnant to begin with so I didn’t want to bother them if this pain was normal. My gut was telling me that this couldn’t have been normal or I was a pansy. My mom ended up getting in bed with me because she was concerned for both me and the baby. I rolled around wondering if I was having contractions because my mom asked me if that’s what the pain felt like. I started to panic, I didn’t know what the hell that felt like. I was only 20 weeks pregnant it was way to early for him to come out. We called my doctor and he told us to go to the hospital to make sure it wasn’t contractions. I was terrified I had killed this baby it would have been awesome if you would have been there to understand what I was going through. My mom was there but she didn’t understand it wasn’t her kid, I was. She only knew how bad she felt that I was so scared.

Depending on how you look at it everything turned out fine that night. They gave me drugs to calm me down because I was putting the baby in distress since I thought I had been hurting him the whole time. This was when I found out I had hydronephrosis which is common in pregnancy, especially if you have bad kidneys like me. Hydronephrosis is fluid in the kidneys that is not being flushed because the baby is pinching the kidney. Thankfully the only one that gets hurt from this is me unless my kidneys get infected from the fluid not draining soon enough.

The second experience I wish you were here for is when he kicks or punches. Whenever I let someone feel him moving for the first time I get the same amazing reaction each time. A person will put their hands where I tell them while watching my stomach. The moment he moves that person looks up with pure joy saying “there is a real human in there” or “I felt him!” There is this sparkle in their eyes and a huge grin on their faces. The only one I really want to see give me that look is you.

Our son already recognizes my voice and gets excited when I sing or read to him. He has no idea what in the world your voice sounds like. He has favorite country songs that he starts kicking to when he hears but you’ll never see that. He even has a name picked out that you didn’t get a say in and he will definitely not have your last name #sorrynotsorry.

I can’t totally blame you for not being here or understanding how I feel because I became a mom when I got pregnant and you didn’t. Men tend to become a parent the first time they hold their baby. Good luck getting that opportunity. Not to mention you could have had the hottest baby mama ever / soon to be milf. Your loss.

– With love your baby mama

“Son of Jack”

Jackass that is..

The only word I can use to describe finding out Jax was going to be a boy is enchanting. His father on the other was not so enchanted when he found out I was pregnant. I had been trying to tell him for weeks but I didn’t just want to send an “I’m pregnant” text. He wasn’t an ass when I first told him he actually hugged me and told me “we were going to get through this” – whatever the hell that means. Little did I know what he had in mind for that. He didn’t believe it was possible that this could be his baby I tried to reassure him that it was his and even offered to do a DNA test. Days later he said he had talked it over with his dad and wasn’t going to take the DNA test because he would rather have his dad pay for my abortion than confirm it was his baby. His dad’s (my sons grandpa of the year) rationale was that he “didn’t need this kind of stress during exams and graduation coming up.” After that I was done with him, I didn’t ever expect him to stand up and be there for either one of us anyways he wasn’t mature enough to take on that kind of responsibility. So I started getting my ducks in a row, I graduated and started becoming Jax’s mom and dad all on my own.

On a Friday morning, about a month after graduation, I took my two younger sisters with me to my second ultrasound. From the minute I found out I was pregnant I was praying for a baby boy and in any minute I was about to find out. So many people had tried convincing me it was a girl so I was mentally preparing myself for that as well. The doctor told me it may be hard to tell the gender depending on how the baby was positioned but the first thing that popped up on the screen was a tiny penis. I was so excited the baby was a boy and I couldn’t wait to tell everyone at the gender reveal party that night. Baby boy had grown so much since the last time I had seen him. It was amazing to watch him move around covering his face, posing, and punching. It was even more amazing to watch my sisters faces see their nephew for the first time they were in absolute shock and amazement.

I had been thinking of names before I even knew he was a boy. I had a whole crazy list. Now that I knew I needed to pick a boy name nothing was sticking. I needed something with a good meaning, an awesome nickname and a name that wasn’t already in my huge family. I was pretty stuck on Brayden for awhile. My god mother had mentioned the name Jaxson because she wanted to use that name (she might not like that I stole it from her but I think it’s special she was going to name her kid that). I liked it but I never really considered it until I was looking up names with my sister Mary. We were going through all the names with the meanings but Jaxson meant “son of Jack” as a joke I said yeah son of a jackass. If it was going to be his first name I needed a good middle name. Liam popped up at some point it means “strong willed warrior.” I knew growing up without a dad he was going to have to be just that. So it stuck. It didn’t take me long to decide that was the name and even less time to decide I was going to tell people the name even though some people will say not to because no matter what people are going to still give you their opinions on the name. I haven’t gotten a bunch of bad reactions to the name Jaxson a lot of guys have said it’s really manly so that’s encouraging. Although a certain someone did try to say that I named my baby after a dog. My grandma had a dog named Jaxson but that never even crossed my mind when I was naming my baby. I was six when that dog was alive why would I even remember that!

To be honest I don’t care what anyone has to say about me naming my baby Jax. The most annoying part is when people will ask you if you have a name picked out I say yes and tell them then say “wellll what about …” It is so rude and annoying. So tip for all you out there with pregnant friends do not suggest names if the mother has a name picked out, if she asks for suggestions that’s a whole other story.

Important Jacks/Jacksons in my life: Baby Jax (my son, obviously), Jax Teller (sexiest member of SOA), Jackson Avery (the hot doctor from Grey’s Anatomy), Captain Jack Sparrow (my soulmate/ sexy pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean), & last but definitely not least Jack Daniels (whiskey).

XOXO Jax’s Mama

0 to 60 mph

That’s how long it took for my life to infinitely change.

People seem to be (still) shocked at how calmly I reacted to my whole life changing in a matter of seconds. I remember everything about that day but I won’t bore you with those details. The important details of that day were how calm and clear my next steps were.

It was March 29th, 2015 I skipped my last class of the day to go to the health center. I told the nurse coffee was making me nauseous and that my boobs were killing me. To be honest I thought I was dying of cancer so when she said “let’s have you pee in a cup.. I want to give you a pregnancy test” I thought she had lost her mind. As I waited for my results to come back I started to panic. I have no boyfriend, I am 22 years old, I still live at home, and only have a part time job. I quickly pushed those thoughts aside because there was no way I was pregnant. The nurse knocked on the door and not one but two nurses walked back in. Yep I’m pregnant…fuck. The nurse I was more familiar with babbled on about all my different “options” for a good minute but I didn’t hear a word she said. There was no “options” I am too old to not take responsibility for my actions. I was going to be a mom. It was expected for me to be in shock and to freak out but in reality when I walked out of the health center to my car that day the only thing I felt was peace. I have always wanted to be a mom this just wasn’t how I saw it happening.

That was 27 weeks ago and that was just the beginning of me becoming Jax’s mama…

XOXO Jax’s Mama

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