One’s for queens and one’s for fools One’s the future and one’s the past One’s forever and one won’t last We ain’t like midnight and cigarette smoke Nothing like watered down whiskey and coke I guess some things just  don’t mix like you hoped like me & you.

Jaxson this one is for you. 

Do you think people could ever be soulmates but not meant to be together? I didn’t until I met Jack.

My “How I Met Your Father” story is pretty classic. I was 20 years old when I met your dad (for the purpose of this story we will call him Jack). We both went to the same college but he was a year older than I was. At the time I was coming out of a 4 year long relationship so I wasn’t looking for any type of relationship. Of course when you aren’t looking for anybody that is when someone walks into your life that changes it forever. Since I was coming out from a hard break up I was really into one of Jack’s good friend because he was not your relationship type of guy,that’s actually how I met Jack. I was sitting outside late one night smoking a camel blue in my favorite spot on campus when this guy came and sat next to me, Jack. I was actually really annoyed he sat next to me but it must have been fate or something that he did. By the end of our conversation I was pissed. This was exactly what I didn’t want.. to get attached to someone but here we were.

There was just something about him and our connection was undeniable. He was basically the boy version of myself, which I should have known was trouble from the beginning. We loved the same music (Eminem) and were obsessed with the same show (How I Met Your Mother). We even had our favorite Eminem songs tattooed on us. He had the lyrics from Beautiful on his rib cage and I had my lotus flower on my upper rib, completely unplanned. There were a lot more things we had in common than that but these are what we bonded over. But there were also a lot of things we didn’t have in common as well. He loved winter and snow, I hated it. I am more a beach and summer type person. Again that is just one among many.

At first your dad had a hard time believing I was an Eminem fan so he tried to test me. He asked me my favorite song and at the time it had been Puke. He said “There I go” expecting that I wouldn’t know the next line but I threw it right back at him with a sassy tone and smirking like I was talking about him, “thinking of you again.” I still shake my head every time I think about it.

The first drink we ever had together is this nasty made up mix drink I was obsessed with called a James Bond. It got that name because it was so good you sucked it down and out of no where it hit you like a truck. We shared James Bond’s for awhile that night and ended up running around the dorm making history. We stole the mouse from one of the study rooms so one of our friends could use it to play video games and we tore down all these Halloween decorations for no apparent reason. I still have some of those decorations sadly.

After that night I was hooked. Which unfortunately meant I was doing everything in my power to make him not like me because I was too scared of getting hurt again. I eventually told Jack that’s why things never really worked and how our timing was always off but he knew he was partly responsible for that too.

Your dad loves to snowboard, he had a competition shortly after I had met him. Of course his ride fell through and I let him borrow my car. He was so embarrassed to be driving this girly eco friendly car when he was more into trucks and motorcycles. But you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.

The seasons were quickly changing that year because I was having so much fun running between Jack and his friend. Our dorm rooms were not well air conditioned so when it started getting hot in the dorms it was miserable to sleep in there. Jack’s bed was right next to the window in his room and mine unfortunately was not. One really hot night I was up talking with my roommate because we couldn’t sleep. I had changed both of Jack and his friend’s ringtones to the same thing and changed their names in my phone to XX. This was my silly version of trying not to pick a preference when I talked to them and not have feelings for either of them. So as I was sitting talking to my roommate probably about one of them or maybe both, one of them called me. It was the friend and he needed me to go pick him so of course there I was jumping when he said jump like an idiot. When I got in the car I got another call again from XX I assumed it was the friend but the voice sounded like Jack he said “can you take me to Waffle House I’ll get you something.” You would think I would have been able to tell whose voice it was over the phone but now I was confused. Were they together or was I just delusional and only one had called me? I show up to our mutual friends apartment to get whichever boy I was getting. Funny thing was the friend jumped in the front seat and Jack got in the back, at least I wasn’t an idiot and knew that I wasn’t talking to the same person on the phone each time. The whole way to Waffle House they were making fun of my ex boyfriend and acting all territorial over me like the two friends were in some type of competition.

We got to Waffle House and I had completely lost my appetite because as we walked in they both texted me wanting to hang out alone afterwards. I knew I would rather spend time with Jack but how was I supposed to be able to tell which was which to respond? I just ignored both of their texts until we got back to the dorm. All three of us smoked a cigarette on the porch. It was the most awkward thing ever and I still don’t know why, maybe they both were trying to get me to sleepover? I don’t know. I walked upstairs (going to my own room) with the friend because Jack had stayed outside. I think he was bummed I didn’t seem like I wanted to hang out. I got another text and I knew it was from Jack because I was still with his friend talking. I made up some lame excuse and ran down the stairs to go meet Jack out front. I am so glad that I had chosen to spend time with him that night even though his friend had made a tempting offer. That’s the night we really clicked on a different level, it all fell together that night at least for me.

That night we sat outside talking for awhile and looking at the stars. It was nicer outside than it was inside with the whole air conditioning thing going on. Just like always we ended up going inside to watch How I Met Your Mother until we fell asleep. It was way too hot to fall asleep so we had the window open and laid right in front of it until the sun came up. Then like always the spell was broken we went to class and acted like nothing had ever happened.

Summer came and went that year but I hadn’t heard a word from Jack. Before we left for school I knew he had started seeing this other girl. I had actually met her some of my friends and his friends said not to worry about her because she wasn’t anything serious and she was basically a bigger version of me. I was totally jealous but was never ever going to admit that.. until now obviously. I had started talking to a new guy anyways because Jack and I had just realized it wasn’t going to work between us. The first night back at school I will never forget my reaction when one of our mutual friends told me Jack was not coming back to school, at least not this semester. Realizing why I hadn’t heard from him in so long I wanted to get a hold of him even more just to make sure he was ok. While he was away I talked to him a few times over the phone and we exchanged a few texts. I found myself more obsessed with my phone than usual because I was hoping to get the chance to talk to him again.

Sometime around my 21st birthday he came back to school although I hadn’t seen him yet I was really trying to. On the night of my birthday I actually black out called him (don’t ever use your phone to call anyone but me when you are drunk) telling him to come over even though my boyfriend was with me.. all around stupid but that’s what your daddy did to me. He made me crazy on all types of levels.

One night I had him come get me and everything picked up where we had left it like nothing had changed although everything had. We went to his apartment which had all of this girls stuff scattered around in it but I didn’t care I was just happy to see him. We listened to Eminem on my phone while we talked. You wouldn’t have believed the tension between us if I tried to describe it. After that night we didn’t see each other for awhile but we talked periodically that’s how we always were. Off and on, hot and cold, up and down.

One of my favorite memories with your dad was the night he broke the wine bottle in my new apartment. My two new roommates and I were having a drinks and cards night. I invited Jack to come but I didn’t actually expect him to show up or anything. Then the doorbell rang. Now there is something you have to understand this boy made me crazy like a middle school crush. So when that doorbell rang I chugged the rest of my drink then went to open the door. Of course he brought some weird cheap wine and we all sat down to play Phase 10 and house Jenga. The table we were playing at was this cards table that wasn’t the sturdiest so you had to be careful not to knock it or everything would fall. Which is hard when you are playing Jenga and drinking.. Of course Jack hits the table all of our drinks flip over and his wine shatters on the floor. We were still picking up pieces of glass a month later. This night doesn’t sound like it was anything significant but it was important to me. My friends had wondered why I was so infatuated with Jack. Their impressions of him weren’t very good. That night they got to see the Jack I knew and the one I was crazy about not the one they thought he was or sometimes was I guess.

For the next year we saw each other every once and awhile. Whenever we did get to hang out it was always amazing. There are so many memories that distinctly stick out in my mind as I am thinking back on all the different times but the most important memories that you’ll be concerned with starts in January 2015.

My year long boyfriend and I (not Jack) had just broken up which was probably for the best because for me it had always been Jack. I had always been too scared to get close to Jack since I was tired of getting hurt all the time. Jack and I were basically the only people on campus at the time since I was doing a winter internship. The night we broke up (again not Jack) I called Jack and told him to come get me because I didn’t want to sulk or be alone. For the next week we spent a lot of time together like we used to and that old spark that I felt came right back. Of course being scared by these overwhelming feelings I had towards him I went back to my exboyfriend like an idiot. I was playing games with Jack and he knew it, he called me on it a few times. He made it very clear he was not going to play back so things drifted off again. That week we did hang out he tried to get me to like the show Psych. On the way home each morning to drop me off we talked about all the houses we liked that we saw along the way. I never imagined that 7 months later he would be buying a house with his new girlfriend and I would be having his baby.

There was this one night in January right before everyone came back to school including my recent ex-boyfriend. I was nervously drinking trying to avoid that my life as I knew it was changing. I called Jack and told him I was drinking. He was with one of his friends giving him a tattoo that they were way too proud of. Yes unfortunately Jack owns a tattoo gun. After they were done they came and picked me up in his friend’s truck to take me back to Jack’s apartment. We were singing Eminem the whole way there and sitting way too close together, it felt like old times as usual. We were all drinking and having a good time. This night was important because it was like his friend saw that weird connection we had that only a few people had seen before. Jack left the room for a little and his friend was asking me a bunch of questions about us. I just chugged my drink being too embarrassed to say anything, he obviously knew who I was and was just trying to see if I was still into Jack like I used to be. We got back in the car and drove back to campus to go to my apartment. There we continued drinking and his friend was daring me to kiss him like this was kindergarten or something. We both just looked at each other for a second like we had this secret his friend didn’t know it was weird. Then like the jackass he is he said “yeah you won’t.” So I did. His friend clapped like an asshole till we stopped. Later that night his friend left so he was stranded at my house. We sat on the couch talking; there was one thing I will never forget him saying. He said “I feel like an idiot when I kiss you because we have this crazy connection and I feel like I can’t do it right or something.” Five minutes later he was passed out with his head in my lap. I tucked him in on the couch and went to bed.

Jack absolutely hates his birthday for the same reason I do, we simple get to excited about our birthdays then nothing good ever happens that day. So when his birthday came around I decided we should hang out maybe have a drink. What better of an opportunity to make amends right? I had been drinking a little (shocker I know) when my friend and I went to go pick him up. We brought him back to our apartment to drink a little, we were having too much fun so we discussed turning our drink into a sleepover. At some point we went outside to talk about it was like the stars had been aligning or some where shit because it started snowing (your daddy loves snow). We were flirting, talking, drinking, kissing, and making snow balls as the snow fell on us. Those snowballs we made were in my freezer until graduation day as weird as that is.It was like it was from a damn movie or something. Everything felt like it was just right again that night. Of course that was the night you came into our lives without us evening knowing. The next morning we had breakfast and coffee together then I dropped him back at his apart like it was business as usual. Except for it wasn’t we had just created life. Our lives were now changed for every, well at least mine was.

Unfortunately you know how this ended I wrote it in my post “son of jack.” The past three years I have known Jack I always felt like fate made or paths cross for whatever reason no matter how lame that sounds. I don’t know what you believe in but maybe it was destined I meet Jack just not for the reasons I had thought. Maybe the whole purpose of us wasn’t for us to be together but for me to get you. If that is all that ever comes from our “relationship” than I am more than satisfied with that ending.

Trying to figure out what to say and how to tell you about your dad has been a real interesting experience. I know one day you will have questions about your daddy because as of right now it doesn’t look like you will know him at all so I hope that this will help with anything and everything you want to know. Some people may call him a deadbeat dad or an asshole which yes that’s partly true but that isn’t all there is to him. I hope you do not resent him for not being ready or able to be your daddy at 23 years old.

Here are some more random facts about your dad you might want to know. I am trying to remember as much as I can. I will continue to update this over the years as I remember more so hopefully it will have tons of stuff for you by the time you read this.

He had this dog a black lab that he was obsessed with. When that dog died around his birthday my Sophomore year it broke his heart.

He loves Wild Irish Rose & Sake (which I think is gross).

He loves to hunt & fish, he even bought a boat in college.

He listens to MGK, the rap god & Yelawolf (I never got into that).

He got really good a poker at one point due to an obscene amount of free time, unfortunate story.

He worked at Taco Bell during that unfortunate story.

He had these hilarious pink briefs that said “tickle my pickle” that went perfectly with my ballerina underwear.

He has a ghost like personality.

He liked to smoke camel blue and 27s.

God only knows how many tattoos he has but he did buy a tattoo gun & started practicing tattooing his own thighs, some of them are actually really good. My favorite was the dove maybe because I watched him work on it. I probably have a picture of it saved some where.

His zodiac sign is Pisces.


 XOXO Jax’s Mama