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becomingjaxsmama

Moms/ Parents, when and how do you teach kids about death?

I’ve heard about using pets as a nice introduction with the beginner level fish or the dog they’ve had since they were a baby. I got Jax a fish but let me tell you if that thing died he would not have an idea what I was talking about.

Jax is only 2 but he’s pretty intuitive. I brought him to see someone who was dying the other day. He instantly got calm when he saw him and was quietly asking me questions about what was going on. Mainly why, who, and why he was sleeping. Jax offered to hold his hand but was alarmed that he was so cold. It was a hard thing for me to even see. At some point when someone is dying they start to look like corpses. I was worried that the site of this person was going to be scary for him. My parent reassured me he wouldn’t understand what was happening. Let me tell you I know my son. That night and last night I had my snuggle buddy all up in my bed. I’m not talking we each have our own sides I mean he was spooning me or I was spooning him as we held hands. If I let go of his hand he screamed out. Every other hour he was waking up shaking and crying.

My own mind started to wander worrying about all the people close to him that are getting older or that may be sick. I wonder if I shouldn’t have exposed him to this until he could understand a little more. May not fully grasping what was happening is what scared him.

Based on his reaction, when it comes time for the funeral do I take him? 

How do I approach this specific situation with a two year old? Drop it and try to comfort him when he brings it up?

When is the appropriate age where they can actually grasp these things? Do I tip toe around death until then?

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Let me start with I have no idea where the nickname puppy came from. Might have been a subconscious joking about how babies and puppies have SOME (I’ll get to that issue later) similarities.  Who knows but it stuck. Whenever I say where is the puppy, referring to an actual dog, he says “here he is” pointing to himself.

Jax is the kindest male human I have ever met. I could go on and on telling stories about how just kindhearted he is. I may even make that a column on this blog but you would all be overstimulated with that much content. My friends keep telling me I am winning the mom game for it. The other day after I long ass day I stubbed my toe and tripped over Jax pushing him down in the process. I finally lost it sitting there on the kitchen floor. Little Jaxson gives me a big hug and says “best friend I love you.” That’s our thing by the way we always say that to each other. Then that night we were watching Grey’s Anatomy before bed. It was the early seasons so obvi I was crying. Jax pats me on the shoulder and says “mama ok I sleep with you.”

A few months ago I started asking him what theme he wanted for his birthday party. He wanted a combined Moana meets Minions party. At the time he was watching Moana once a day so I said fine let’s do Moana.

I am Jaxson of Motunui. You will board my boat and celebrate my birthday!

We invite you to come celebrate my heart of Te Fiti. There will be pizza and cake, along with a surprise visit from Moana! BYOB if you’d like something strong, just remember this is a party for a 2 year old, so keep it classy.

That being said, this is a family event.. so things might get wild because that’s in their nature but there isn’t much I can do about that.

Make way! Make way! It’s time Jax knew his village of friends and family is all he needs.

YOU’RE WELCOME! … And thank you!

I invited my whole family and a bunch of my friends because honestly I did not want to be in charge of a bunch of 2 year olds and their parents. I decided pizza and booze was going to be the theme again this year. I wanted him to just be around the people he loved and the people that have been supporting us.

A friend volunteered to dress up as Moana, my parents offered to let me use their house and I struggled to find decorations for the party but I NAILED it. It’s more than a week out and he is still asking me if we can “go to his party now.” When Moana showed up he was so confused he said “why” to her at least three times. Now he thinks my friend is actually Moana when she’s in her regular clothes I’m sure that will have some backlash but we will deal with that later.

I hate my birthday but I am obsessed with his. I can’t wait to see what this next year brings with my pup! My favorite thing from this year has been to see the world from his perspective now that he can talk to me more. When he turns 3 is that when I start having to invite his little friends? I am hoping he just thinks the standard of what I have been doing is way more fun..

It’s a known fact that children that are adopted feel some type of void. Everyone handles it differently. This void could be filled with some form of vice whether it’s trying to find love in all the wrong places, sex, drugs or alcohol… you know the feel good stuff.

From a young age mine was trying to have my own family. SPOILER: I️ now have one of my “own.” But I still desperately want the husband that comes with it. I say desperately because some of my attempts have been just that. What can I say I’m a lover and I want to love. I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with plunging in head first not looking where you’re about to fall because at least even for those fleeting moments that sometimes last too long… I feel love.

The biggest “issue” with this is I’m blinded by love. I want to accept the flaws or ignore them when I can instead of seeing these huge ass red flags parked on my front lawn. Then in the light of day the beer googles start to come off and I begin to hate myself. How do I keep putting myself in these situations? How do these boys keep fooling me? Why do I keep letting these kinda people into my life? These relationships are taking pieces of me. It’s worse now that I have Jax I fear men meeting him and hate myself more over letting them meet my sensitive kindhearted son who just wants someone to look up to. It feels like I’m failing him more than myself.

Before when this how did we get here? Part of a relationship came about I had a simple way to fix it. On to the next one to try to find love somewhere else. Now that I have Jax I️ don’t do that. Not because I don’t want to. It’s more of I don’t want to be a hopeless romantic anymore it seems like a waste of my energy.

If some guy ever looked at me like this than I’m sure I could fill the void.

“I’ve found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said “Journeys end in lovers meeting.” What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said “love is blind”. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there’s another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas’, the worst Birthday’s, New Years Eve’s brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I’ve been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back.”
I’ve been a little MIA from this blog and from my life lately. I’m physically there but I feel like I’m somewhere else. It’s almost like an out of body experience. I’ve had a lot of those in the last three years. If it wasn’t for Jaxson I’m not sure if I would even have moments of being fleetingly grounded. 

I’ve been listening to podcasts as my guilty pleasure. It’s been the little thing that’s keeping me sane in the midst of chaos and confusion. On the podcast the girls have been talking about how they all have Bigs. The concept of Mr Big came from Sex in the City. For those of you who that doesn’t clarify things with it’s the man in your life that when you met him you knew he was going to be a big part of your life and he was a big love for you but he never committed. He kinda strings you a long and plays games with you but you always hold on hope. Did someone just pop into your mind? If so I’m sorry, I feel ya girl. 
My friends and family would probably guess different boys on who they think would have this type of pull on me. That’s the other thing about Big’s not many people talk about this relationship. It’s the hardest one to talk about. I know I didn’t until recently, even now I watch my words as to not tarnish my memories. My Mr Big story is a little different. We both played games and stringing each other along. The commitment issues came much later in our era. 
I still struggle trying to explain the situation. One of the girls said something that stuck with me, she knows she wasn’t supposed to end up with her Big. I did too, from the beginning. So why did I even bother? I honestly couldn’t help myself and I still can’t. I can’t explain why it still matters but it’s not something you can just “get over”. Maybe it’s all hopes and fill in the blanks of a man that doesn’t exist anymore. 
I’m one of the lucky ones I had a Mr Big that the chapter has closed. Most girls still cling on to the hope that one day fate will bring them together. I don’t. I’m satisfied with our ending. Fate allows me to lean over to kiss the product of that love, it holds my hands and calls me mama. That love that not many people even knew existed until Jaxson showed up. The love that nobody understands still because they didn’t experience themselves and my unwillingness to share about it.
I carried our unrequited love in my womb, I carried it in my arms and I will always carry it in my heart. 

At least the exchanging of gifts is.

I started off this year pretty expensively and as the year goes on the bills continue to pile up once I finally was able to move out. I knew from the moment I was pregnant that I was going to struggle financially because child support was not an option. The money would never be worth the trade off to me. But I had to move out, we couldn’t stay..not that we weren’t welcome. I just wasn’t ever going to become the good mom I wanted to be while we were there. Jax and I needed our own vibe, but now the vibe is shifting back to being negative again. Basically, I’m going to have to find a sugar daddy or sell myself on the street if I want to stay at my apartment through the end of the year.

I honestly am not sure what else to. I picked up a part time job and a side business when I didn’t get a new job. It just doesn’t matter. I was so ready to get my promotion that I got my apartment before I even had it. It was really naive and way too hopeful. I’m not writing all this so that you all reading this will feel bad. I am trying to remind myself to not get your hopes up. Maybe you guys need a reminder of that too. I tend to get my hopes up for myself a lot. I never guessed this was going to be the situation I was in. I went from an in love partying college kid to a parent overnight. Some days when my friends are last minute going out for a drink or planning fun trips I still imagine what my life would have been. It’s not that I would rather have a different life or anything. I just have to mourn the death of the day dreams I had for my future.

The reality is I’ve gotten a lot more than I can give from Jax. I now know what it’s really like to be in love. I’ve learned how to be selfless. I’ve learned the value of a dollar. That’s just skimming the surface he has made me into a better person than my future ever had in store for me. But how can I ever give back what he’s given me?

By now you are all probably wondering what the hell is happening with Christmas?!?! Come on y’all know I can turn anything into a pregnancy/baby sappy rant. This year I need to do things a little differently, especially because he is so young. For his birthday I have created a So Kind account. Basically, instead of people sending him toys he doesn’t need I am asking if people will give him the gift of donating to the many things he actually needs. My thought is most of my friends don’t want to go out to the toy store to pick out gifts anyways. More than likely they would have gotten me a gift card. This helps them out. Plus all our family wants to do is help us. Well respectfully… help me pay for these things lol.

Ok ok Christmas.. so last year I focused on the Christmas Traditions I wanted to pass down. This year I think along with instilling those traditions I need to need to teach him about the spirit of Christmas. That’s why “commercial exchanging of gifts” type of Christmas have officially been cancelled. First of all, we cannot afford to get anyone gifts and there for we will not be expecting any. Second, CHRISTMAS IS NOT ABOUT GIFTS. Maybe I titled this wrong maybe it should be spending my money irresponsibly in December to give family and friends random gifts has been cancelled.

Jax and I will sing Christmas carols, give Christmas hugs or kisses and maybe just maybe have Christmas cookies to give out. So Merry Christmas y’all. We will also be reading a new Christmas story every day, going to church, reading the bible, watching Christmas movies and helping others to get into the Christmas spirit.

Family and friends if you are reading this.. this doesn’t mean buy him extra toys in fear that the Christmas tree will be empty lol. Let him learn a little will ya. I never ever had to worry about money and I am beyond thankful for that. Unfortunately, Jax won’t be blessed like that and I want to teach him to make the most of it. Not for him to feel like he is missing out. There is a life lesson on being positive in every situation I just gotta take the opportunities to teach them to him.

Expecting mother’s or expecting to be a mom in the future this post is for you.

I’ll keep it short and sweet. My cousin is married and interested in having kids soon. Society makes you think you need all this stuff as an aspiring minimalist  I assume that overwhelms my cousin who just wants be the best mom she can be. As we go through lists of what is necessary  my general answer is no, none of this is necessary. She is nervous because becoming a mom is a big deal and you need to prepare as much as possible. I remember. I remember I spent six days editing my registry. After I posted I continued to edit and update it every day until I had everything I “needed.”

NEWS FLASH: Nothing has to be perfect and buying every contraption doesn’t make you a good mom. Honestly, I wasted a lot of money on things Jax and I didn’t need or ever used. If anything I was being a naive mom, I don’t want to use bad mom for fear of commentary. Emotionally I wasn’t prepared to have a baby so I figured the more contraptions to help me the better. I should have just saved my money. Each baby is different. There are so many unknowns with each baby it’s hard to prepare. You may buy all the best breastfeeding attire and accessories then only bottle feed. What’s the point of an expensive bassinet when you co sleep?

This is my advice. WAIT then buy only the things that are 100 percent necessary. Do your research, the most expensive option isn’t always the best. Don’t overstock unless it’s on diapers and wipes. Once the baby comes you will know the necessities and if you’re like me you’ll want to get out of the house to go get it or send your loving partner out with the baby for some peace and quiet. Lastly, everyone is going to give you their advice. Kinda like what I am doing right now but take it all into consideration then go with your gut. Your going to be a parent and that means you get to make all the decisions. Nothing is going to be perfect. You’re going to mess up, a lot. That’s ok because as long as you love that baby with all you got you’re doing it right.

 

My side of the family decided to go on a cruise and invited my family. I was so hesitant to go. My mom kept saying please go and my dad wasn’t pushing it. I get why he didn’t. It’s a lot of money and it’s hard with a toddler. Plus this is supposed to be a vacation for him but Jax is obsessed with my dad. It’s like no one else exists when my dad is around. I get an actual break when my dad is around because he won’t even want to be around me for a certain amount of time. 

Having a toddler is hard in a normal environment. He’s getting smarter so he gets frustrated when he can’t communicate with me. I feel for him I do. I can’t stand not being able to communicate how I feel. He wants to be independent but he also wants to be defiant to fulfill his curiosities. I find myself asking “what is wrong with you?!” In a frustrated manor all the time. He’s so smart I feel like he can answer me. In the heat of the moment I forget this is a tiny version of myself all I have to do is ask “what would be wrong with me in this situation.” 
When you add the sea sick on top of toddlerism..it’s safe to say I was shipwrecked. At least he had a blast that’s all I wanted! 

I used to bite my lip at every sexy bad boy with tattoos that walked by. My life was filled with bite your lip moments. I don’t feel like I get many of those anymore… 

I’ve never been one to bite my tongue but Jax has given me a reason to. I can’t just say whatever I want and not have consequences. All my actions impact Jax. Yeah yeah save the speech on “how my life became not my own when I decided to have sex then got pregnant” I’ve heard it a million times and I’m not looking for a lecture. I just want you to hear my side of it. I’m trapped in a life where I have to let people take advantage of me so I gotta bite my tongue. 

At home I had to bite my tongue when I disagreed with other people’s parenting styles, religion or habits were inflicted on my side. I still had my fair share of “discussing” views with my parents but tried to pick my battles. Unfortunately, I do not make enough money or have someone to help pitch in on rent to afford my own home. If my parents weren’t allowing me to stay I wouldn’t have anywhere to go so a lot of the time I bit my tongue.

With strangers I have to bite my tongue at all the inappropriate comments or questions, unwarranted advice and judgmental glares. I cannot go anywhere without people having something to say on my marital status or my age. I think it is hysterical that people have so much opinion on soemthing that has nothing to do with them. You would think strangers would just pass judgement at the fact that I look young or if my son is throwing a tantrum but I’ve had strangers ask me the most ridiculously personal questions that not even my family and friends asked when I got pregnant. I’ll admit I’ve told a few ladies to F off but for the most part I try not to let it affect me. 

At work I have to bite my tongue all damn day. Every single time I answer the phone to a screaming parents. Every time someone asked me why I was working when I have a newborn. Every time someone criticized me for putting my kid in daycare and not having anyone to “help me.” Every time someone said I was unreliable when I’ve been nothing but. Every time I got overlooked. 

I hate more than anything not being able to put people in there place. I may complain more than I should but I hope my actions are speaking louder than my words. I have this pair of eyes on me that I can’t let down. It’s hard to know you may be letting your son down or not doing well enough and it definitely doesn’t make it any better when the whole world around you is supporting that gut feeling. 

…But there was this one time at a happy hour.. to be continued.

I have been living with my parents since I came home from college pregnant. At first it was nice because I needed to save money but since Jax has been born there is no such thing as saving money. I don’t make enough to be able to support him then have anything left over to save. Daycare alone is a paycheck a month.

I’ve been back with my parents for two years now. It was supposed to be only for a year but life happened and we got stuck here. Now the only reason I am staying is because I am waiting to be accepted into the Affordable Dwelling Unit program so I can afford to rent an apartment.

I applied for this program at the beginning of February. There has been road bump after road bump but this last one is really killing me. For reasons I cannot explain because of my new audience (yes – I heard your reading these) I need a Live In form to be signed. This form has to be filled about by one of these 10 places that they list such as doctors or schools. The form basically says I know that Lauren lives with Jax at this said address. Doesn’t seem complicated right?

The doctor is the first place on the list so that’s where I started… 3 weeks ago. Apparently they won’t sign it because they have no proof that I actually live there. After a full blown melt down in the doctors office, I’ve accepted that. So fine they can’t do it I get it but why are they on the list then?

Second option: daycare. No such luck either. After this one I drove around like a crazy person looking for someone that could sign it off this damn list. No luck. The alternative to this Live In form is to have this other thing that I don’t have. There is no way of getting it in a way that makes me feel comfortable. There are just somethings not worth risking in order for me to move out. This would be one of them. So my question is how are people that are in situations like me getting this shit signed?! I mean I can’t be the only single mom in this situation.. so where is everyone living? How are they making enough money to live anywhere in this area? Am I the only young single mom in this area?!

There is always the roommate option. The problem with this is I am not just going to move in with a boyfriend just to have a place to live. I would move in with our best friends but her parents would make her life a living hell. Not many people want to live with you when you have a baby. It’s kinda like having pets, it’s not for everyone. Again, that’s fine. I wouldn’t want to live with a stranger because of Jax. If it was just me that would be fine but this is different.

So we are stuck in between this rock and a hard place. Meanwhile other people are buying houses and cars pretending like we don’t exist. Seriously it’s fine this is the closest I come to the “you wanted this”  that people referred to when I got pregnant. I knew all this was going to be hard. I knew I was going to struggle. I knew there was going to be sacrifices I would have to make for Jax. I knew Jax was going to have to lack certain things because of his parents’ actions. It was only a matter of how well I could handle all of this.

 I feel like I am not handling this well. I feel like I am stuck. Not just in my house but in other aspects as well. But if there is someone whose going to pull a hail Mary out of their ass its going to be me. I have to…looks who’s watching.

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