“Coffee & orange juice are both good. Just not together. You might be able to stomach it, but if the shit doesn’t taste right why drink it? Pour that shit out.”

This the perfect description of what a boyfriend is for me right now. Mainly I don’t want to date someone who doesn’t understand my lifestyle or isn’t a parent.

I have to go to bed early because I have to wake up early. If I stay up all hours of the night then I struggle to be a parent the next day which isn’t fair to Jax and makes me start to resent that person I had to stay up for. I have to make breakfast every morning, usually before coffee, at least two times because the things that were made all of the sudden weren’t wanted. I clean the kitchen while said child wrecks various rooms. I clean various rooms until it’s time for lunch. The lunch routine is usually the same as breakfast. Then you have to try to convince them to take a nap so you can have a break or take a nap yourself.

That’s why those comments about “when you’re not busy can we/you..” or “when the baby goes to sleep can you/we..” crack me up. Uhm fuck that. I am never not busy. Those moments are my moments to do with as I please. I don’t want to feel obligated to give those moments to a guy who is going to deplete me more. I’ve said this probably a hundred times but I need to take care of myself in order to take care of my son. I can’t trust that a man is going to take care of me that would be silly.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining and I’m not saying I am jealous. I actually have something that they can’t even comprehend or know they are missing until they have it. I like this life better. I think it suites me better. It’s also hard as shit, which I think isn’t something you can understand until you’re in it. That’s why when they say I’m tired, poor or busy I laugh at their lazy piece of shit.  You don’t know the definition of tired until you’ve worked 40 plus hours a week, cooked, cleaned, raised a child just to be woken up after 10 minutes of being asleep then not sleeping the entire night just to repeat the cycle. You don’t know poor until every cent of your paycheck goes into just getting food for someone else, daycare, diapers, wipes and a new pair of shoes to replace the ones they just grew out of. Then spending some of your savings because you want to get that kid anything to make them smile. Even though you know after a few days that toy will be irrelevant.

It’s like my feminist side is peaking through now that I have to be the dad and the mom. The bread winner and the house keeper. I would love to have someone help me but it’s like I see all these men as weaker. Which sorry is just sooo not sexy. Great you want to sleep in and act like a child for the rest of your life? That’s just oranges, but I’m not going to mix it with my coffee.


Not too long ago I had a birthday. Some people say an important one.. the quarter life one. I’m not huge on birthdays so it doesn’t really impact me either way.

This birthday was a little different. I woke up way too early excited that my LipSense stock was coming in. Jax slept in until I picked him up so I was able to make us both breakfast and have my coffee before having to get him ready. It seemed like a good start until I whispered “baby it’s mama’s birthday can you say happy birthday?” All hell broke loose.

Moms don’t get birthdays.

We don’t get any days for us.

I started off this birthday with I hate yous and tantrums on the floor. It was truly wonderful.. I’m not being sarcastic. I’ve always wanted low key birthdays that were just like any other day. Half the problem was he thought I was taking something from him. He wanted it to be HIS birthday. I’ll take that as a compliment because his birthday was soo amazing that he didn’t want me to have his party. His birthday means so much more to me than any of my birthdays possible could. The fact that I made his birthday so special makes this my best birthday yet.

Oh the joys of motherhood.

Earlier this week I had the proudest mama moment. Jaxson woke up right before we had to leave after a late night watching bachelor. I let him pick what he wanted for breakfast. Crackers in a cup. It was such a struggle convincing him he had to leave to cup in the car to go to school. He eventually put five in his hand and walked on in.When we got to his class room I told him you should share with your friends. Without hesitation and a smile on his face he gave one by one gave each of his five friends a cracker leaving none for himself. He yelled “bye honey!” to me and that was my cue to go. Let me tell ya that boy got to have whatever he wanted for dinner that night.

The things I wish someone would have told me..

About being pregnant. 

  1. This baby, your body and what you do while being pregnant is constantly being judged by people who have no say or relevance to the situation.
  2. Personal space is no longer  a thing & neither is people holding their tongues.
  3. Everyone says “oh this is the easy part” basically telling you the pain you feel is you being dramatic.
  4. Any time someone is stupid or mean and you call them out for upsetting you, you are “just being hormonal.”
  5. No matter how many times you put cocoa butter on a day, some people still get stretch marks.
  6. My butt is completely flattened.
  7. The texture of my hair changed.
  8. You have a heater inside of you.
  9. Eating for two is not a real thing, you may feel like you can eat for two but you probably shouldn’t.
  10. Everyone says you are glowing but you feel like you are dying and there is no way you look semi decent.
  11. Stretching out your t shirts to a point where it looks like your shirt has a bump is a real thing.
  12. Your belly button comes out and turns a weird ass color.
  13. Every time you brush your teeth your gums bleeds.
  14. At some point seeing your vagina or being able to shave any of your lower half becomes actually impossible.
  15. Once something drops on the floor accept that it is going to stay there or your might pee while you are picking it up.
  16. Gaining the 35 lbs is an understatement.
  17. By the third trimester everything hurts so bad that you can’t even tell that it hurts. So you are just angry all the time.
  18. The last month is actually a lot longer than 31 days (it feels like it lasts forever).

About delivery. 

  1. so I find it funny that nobody ever talks about this but I said it recently to my cousin and she was shocked. I just thought everyone knew. You most likely will poop during delivery.
  2. That it is easier to push when you don’t get the epidural.. so I have heard. I just want to pass along any knowledge I have also picked up along the way.
  3. Your water breaking is not so huge gush of water. The “water” is definitely not what you are thinking its amniotic fluid.
  4. You have to birth the placenta after the birth of your baby.
  5. You can be in labor almost 24 hours without any real progress.. don’t rush to the hospital.
  6. Once you go to the hospital they don’t let you eat.
  7. Back labor is the worst type of labor.
  8. Your delivery plan doesn’t mean shit you can’t plan how a baby is going to exit your vagina.
  9. A great number of babies are now delivered via c section. Read up on it.
  10. There is an awful good chance you are going to rip all the way from your vagina to your butthole when the baby comes out.

About bringing home a newborn. 

  1. It takes time to get to know your baby and until then it’s really freaking hard.
  2. That breast feeding is the best worst idea ever. It was all cute and bonding until I was so exhausted I barely knew who I was.
  3. Pumping is soul sucking and that I could have sworn I could hear it saying my name.
  4. That I would have so much pregnancy PTSD that I would think I was still pregnant every single day – Jane the Virgin style.
  5. Around 12 weeks all babies cry A LOT, especially if they have colic.
  6. You bleed for days. 9 months worth of period. You wear a damn diaper..
  7. That you will feel like the only mother going through all the daily struggles. Spoiler: you are not alone! Don’t let anyone make you think you are crazy not even your baby.
  8. I can’t remember now what it is called but newborns have this nasty black poop for a few days.
  9. Your nipples are going to feel like they are on fire if you breast feed until they toughen up.
  10. There is a list of foods that turns your babies off from your breast milk.

About life after.

  1. I would get car sick and motion sickness on elevators or rollercoasters.
  2. It is harder for me to get tan my skin kinda blotches instead.
  3. A lot of your hair falls out.. well a lot of it does.
  4. At some point your hormones try to go back to normal which makes you crazy like when you were pregnant.
  5. Your nipples may never have sensation in them again if you breast feed and now I get why a lot of moms that breastfed got implants. My boobs looks like saggy deflated balloons.
  6. I can’t sleep with anyone besides Jaxson in the room because I hear every little thing because I am always listening for him even if I’m not aware of it.
  7. You give away your immune system to your baby so you get sick a lot. If your baby is in daycare well guess what they get sick a lot too then pass it to you.
  8. My alcohol tolerance went back to an underage teenager.. not in a good way.
  9. Period and pregnancy symptoms are the exact same so you will cringe every time you miss a period/ diagnose your celibate self as pregnant.
  10. As your organs go back to their natural place it may feel like phantom kicks, look it up.
  11. It is normal to get carpal tunnel from holding babies. Women are more prone to this especially after having children.

I know this post highlights the negative sides of pregnancy but I think if I was in high school and heard this I wouldn’t want to have sex. So pass this along if you want to! I wish you know 50% of the peers I know would have mentioned any of these things to me when I was pregnant just so I was prepared. We are all in this together I don’t understand why moms treat these things as some big secret. Also if you have any good ones to add from your experiences comment them below!

Every Monday morning Jax & I talk about what we did this weekend on the way to school. I basically give him a recap and watch his reactions through the rear view mirror. I do this to try to distract him from the fact that he doesn’t want to go back to school after having 48 straight hours of mom time.

On Monday when I was telling him about all the cool stuff we had done like see our best friend’s new apartment, hang out with auntie wucy, have breakfast with memaw and papa then our play date with our friends. He was beaming in the back at each one more and more. I love those little moments. These are the things I hold on to when life gets to be too much.

Here’s to another weekend of 48 straight hours of mommy time.

I like my coffee how I like my men.

You know pretty tan, sweet & freezing cold at all times of the day. Sorry mom.

Maybe that’s why I end up dating gay guys or guys with tons of feelings. I certainly have a type.

I hear people say this all the time. It’s usually followed by “tall, dark and handsome” but that’s not me. Mine are a little too tannish white, so sweet that it covers up the bitterness that keeps me going and the size varies depends on my current life situation. My coffee preference  is the closest thing I have to a type. Which is also code for lying @ssh0le. I’m a little gullible when it comes to love. But don’t worry I’m learning.. or I’m hoping at least.

I wrote a post awhile back about what happened when I went back to work after having Jax. Some of you probably read it and those who didn’t won’t get to. I’m trying to learn from that chapter of my life but also close it so I never have to read it again. Long story short. I dated a guy for the wrong reasons. I put my kid (who doesn’t remember any of it thankfully) in the middle of it. I let it go on for long enough that it is still biting me in the @$$. After that I swore I would never date again.  I don’t trust myself enough to pick and keep a nice guy.

When all you’ve know is toxic relationships, how are you supposed to know how to be in any other kind of relationship?

You could say I have learned all the things that love is not. But someone came into my life that has shown me what real unconditional real love is. Thanks to Jax I think I’ll be able to figure all this out.



Dear Mr Controlling..

For two years I let you control me and warp me into someone you wanted me to be but just for the record it was always Jack that “controlled me.”

The night I met you was I was trying to get over him.

Every time I got a text from you I jumped to my phone wishing it was him.

(I had to change your text tone)

The first night we kissed I cried because I felt bad.

I’d leave our place to go sit on the bench outside every time the unknown number called.

Each time I blacked out I contacted him.

When I was sick he was the one running my baths not my roommates.

We snapchated the whole time.

On holidays & bad days it was him.


And when we broke up I cried over the two years I wasted that could have been spent on him. I just thought you should know..


Every since my entire world found out I was pregnant I have been baffled by the way people treat each other.  Me included, but I’m not here to vent about all my wrong doings I’ll let other people handle that. Everyone is so quick to pass judgement or throw their views on you. They are even quicker to take advantage of you. Let me tell ya, I am definitely in a position where I have no choice but to let people take advantage of me. It is like my mouth slowly opened more and more as everyone found out.

Jack started that trend. He opened my eyes to what this experience was going to be, but he was just the start of my mouth dropping. He knew I didn’t want to try to make things work. He knew I wasn’t going to hold him accountable for his actions. He knew nobody was going to hold him responsible for his actions. It didn’t baffle me that he ran off, it baffled me that he knocked up someone else months later. It shouldn’t have but it did. I let him take advantage of me because I don’t want my son to be subject to that kind of a role model. Jax doesn’t deserve that. For as long as I can control it that’s how it’s going to be. If I raise him right it’s the way it will always be.

It continued when my family and friends all knew. Suddenly the phones started ringing and the questions piled in but it wasn’t in support.

Honestly I knew some people were shit. That is why I was so intrigued by Criminology. What baffled me the most was the support I got. I have this village of people that just continuously show up for us. For the first few months that Jax was outside of the womb people would bring us meals and drop off presents on our front door. People I hadn’t heard from in forever were now following us and messaging me.  I figured that would tapper off and people would get annoyed. I am sure some people would roll their eyes because they have heard and seen enough of us – unfollow we don’t want you anyways.

I’ve learned a lot about the people around me the last couple of years. I’m still baffled.

You would love him. He has your personality and he’s funny just like you. He thinks he is so damn funny. I’ll be getting ready for work and hear him laughing when I go check on him he will say “MAMA Jaxson is soooo funny” then throws his head back laughing. He also does your fucking little smirk and eyebrow raise thing that makes me crazy. The only problem is I’m not even sure that person still exists.

Everyday he looks more like you. Everyone asks me how that makes me feel but honestly it’s pretty cool. It’s like I have this little essence of me and you all in one person.

I’m going to choose to remember the good parts of us and to not badmouth you or be upset with you like some people think I should. I get a lot of crap from people saying I give you too much credit or that I play this little in between people game where I am with other people while still talking about you. I just can’t understand how any decent human being wouldn’t.. we created this human I don’t know what that means to other people.

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