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becomingjaxsmama

At least the exchanging of gifts is.

I started off this year pretty expensively and as the year goes on the bills continue to pile up once I finally was able to move out. I knew from the moment I was pregnant that I was going to struggle financially because child support was not an option. The money would never be worth the trade off to me. But I had to move out, we couldn’t stay..not that we weren’t welcome. I just wasn’t ever going to become the good mom I wanted to be while we were there. Jax and I needed our own vibe, but now the vibe is shifting back to being negative again. Basically, I’m going to have to find a sugar daddy or sell myself on the street if I want to stay at my apartment through the end of the year.

I honestly am not sure what else to. I picked up a part time job and a side business when I didn’t get a new job. It just doesn’t matter. I was so ready to get my promotion that I got my apartment before I even had it. It was really naive and way too hopeful. I’m not writing all this so that you all reading this will feel bad. I am trying to remind myself to not get your hopes up. Maybe you guys need a reminder of that too. I tend to get my hopes up for myself a lot. I never guessed this was going to be the situation I was in. I went from an in love partying college kid to a parent overnight. Some days when my friends are last minute going out for a drink or planning fun trips I still imagine what my life would have been. It’s not that I would rather have a different life or anything. I just have to mourn the death of the day dreams I had for my future.

The reality is I’ve gotten a lot more than I can give from Jax. I now know what it’s really like to be in love. I’ve learned how to be selfless. I’ve learned the value of a dollar. That’s just skimming the surface he has made me into a better person than my future ever had in store for me. But how can I ever give back what he’s given me?

By now you are all probably wondering what the hell is happening with Christmas?!?! Come on y’all know I can turn anything into a pregnancy/baby sappy rant. This year I need to do things a little differently, especially because he is so young. For his birthday I have created a So Kind account. Basically, instead of people sending him toys he doesn’t need I am asking if people will give him the gift of donating to the many things he actually needs. My thought is most of my friends don’t want to go out to the toy store to pick out gifts anyways. More than likely they would have gotten me a gift card. This helps them out. Plus all our family wants to do is help us. Well respectfully… help me pay for these things lol.

Ok ok Christmas.. so last year I focused on the Christmas Traditions I wanted to pass down. This year I think along with instilling those traditions I need to need to teach him about the spirit of Christmas. That’s why “commercial exchanging of gifts” type of Christmas have officially been cancelled. First of all, we cannot afford to get anyone gifts and there for we will not be expecting any. Second, CHRISTMAS IS NOT ABOUT GIFTS. Maybe I titled this wrong maybe it should be spending my money irresponsibly in December to give family and friends random gifts has been cancelled.

Jax and I will sing Christmas carols, give Christmas hugs or kisses and maybe just maybe have Christmas cookies to give out. So Merry Christmas y’all. We will also be reading a new Christmas story every day, going to church, reading the bible, watching Christmas movies and helping others to get into the Christmas spirit.

Family and friends if you are reading this.. this doesn’t mean buy him extra toys in fear that the Christmas tree will be empty lol. Let him learn a little will ya. I never ever had to worry about money and I am beyond thankful for that. Unfortunately, Jax won’t be blessed like that and I want to teach him to make the most of it. Not for him to feel like he is missing out. There is a life lesson on being positive in every situation I just gotta take the opportunities to teach them to him.

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Expecting mother’s or expecting to be a mom in the future this post is for you.

I’ll keep it short and sweet. My cousin is married and interested in having kids soon. Society makes you think you need all this stuff as an aspiring minimalist  I assume that overwhelms my cousin who just wants be the best mom she can be. As we go through lists of what is necessary  my general answer is no, none of this is necessary. She is nervous because becoming a mom is a big deal and you need to prepare as much as possible. I remember. I remember I spent six days editing my registry. After I posted I continued to edit and update it every day until I had everything I “needed.”

NEWS FLASH: Nothing has to be perfect and buying every contraption doesn’t make you a good mom. Honestly, I wasted a lot of money on things Jax and I didn’t need or ever used. If anything I was being a naive mom, I don’t want to use bad mom for fear of commentary. Emotionally I wasn’t prepared to have a baby so I figured the more contraptions to help me the better. I should have just saved my money. Each baby is different. There are so many unknowns with each baby it’s hard to prepare. You may buy all the best breastfeeding attire and accessories then only bottle feed. What’s the point of an expensive bassinet when you co sleep?

This is my advice. WAIT then buy only the things that are 100 percent necessary. Do your research, the most expensive option isn’t always the best. Don’t overstock unless it’s on diapers and wipes. Once the baby comes you will know the necessities and if you’re like me you’ll want to get out of the house to go get it or send your loving partner out with the baby for some peace and quiet. Lastly, everyone is going to give you their advice. Kinda like what I am doing right now but take it all into consideration then go with your gut. Your going to be a parent and that means you get to make all the decisions. Nothing is going to be perfect. You’re going to mess up, a lot. That’s ok because as long as you love that baby with all you got you’re doing it right.

 

My side of the family decided to go on a cruise and invited my family. I was so hesitant to go. My mom kept saying please go and my dad wasn’t pushing it. I get why he didn’t. It’s a lot of money and it’s hard with a toddler. Plus this is supposed to be a vacation for him but Jax is obsessed with my dad. It’s like no one else exists when my dad is around. I get an actual break when my dad is around because he won’t even want to be around me for a certain amount of time. 

Having a toddler is hard in a normal environment. He’s getting smarter so he gets frustrated when he can’t communicate with me. I feel for him I do. I can’t stand not being able to communicate how I feel. He wants to be independent but he also wants to be defiant to fulfill his curiosities. I find myself asking “what is wrong with you?!” In a frustrated manor all the time. He’s so smart I feel like he can answer me. In the heat of the moment I forget this is a tiny version of myself all I have to do is ask “what would be wrong with me in this situation.” 
When you add the sea sick on top of toddlerism..it’s safe to say I was shipwrecked. At least he had a blast that’s all I wanted! 

I used to bite my lip at every sexy bad boy with tattoos that walked by. My life was filled with bite your lip moments. I don’t feel like I get many of those anymore… 

I’ve never been one to bite my tongue but Jax has given me a reason to. I can’t just say whatever I want and not have consequences. All my actions impact Jax. Yeah yeah save the speech on “how my life became not my own when I decided to have sex then got pregnant” I’ve heard it a million times and I’m not looking for a lecture. I just want you to hear my side of it. I’m trapped in a life where I have to let people take advantage of me so I gotta bite my tongue. 

At home I had to bite my tongue when I disagreed with other people’s parenting styles, religion or habits were inflicted on my side. I still had my fair share of “discussing” views with my parents but tried to pick my battles. Unfortunately, I do not make enough money or have someone to help pitch in on rent to afford my own home. If my parents weren’t allowing me to stay I wouldn’t have anywhere to go so a lot of the time I bit my tongue.

With strangers I have to bite my tongue at all the inappropriate comments or questions, unwarranted advice and judgmental glares. I cannot go anywhere without people having something to say on my marital status or my age. I think it is hysterical that people have so much opinion on soemthing that has nothing to do with them. You would think strangers would just pass judgement at the fact that I look young or if my son is throwing a tantrum but I’ve had strangers ask me the most ridiculously personal questions that not even my family and friends asked when I got pregnant. I’ll admit I’ve told a few ladies to F off but for the most part I try not to let it affect me. 

At work I have to bite my tongue all damn day. Every single time I answer the phone to a screaming parents. Every time someone asked me why I was working when I have a newborn. Every time someone criticized me for putting my kid in daycare and not having anyone to “help me.” Every time someone said I was unreliable when I’ve been nothing but. Every time I got overlooked. 

I hate more than anything not being able to put people in there place. I may complain more than I should but I hope my actions are speaking louder than my words. I have this pair of eyes on me that I can’t let down. It’s hard to know you may be letting your son down or not doing well enough and it definitely doesn’t make it any better when the whole world around you is supporting that gut feeling. 

…But there was this one time at a happy hour.. to be continued.

I have been living with my parents since I came home from college pregnant. At first it was nice because I needed to save money but since Jax has been born there is no such thing as saving money. I don’t make enough to be able to support him then have anything left over to save. Daycare alone is a paycheck a month.

I’ve been back with my parents for two years now. It was supposed to be only for a year but life happened and we got stuck here. Now the only reason I am staying is because I am waiting to be accepted into the Affordable Dwelling Unit program so I can afford to rent an apartment.

I applied for this program at the beginning of February. There has been road bump after road bump but this last one is really killing me. For reasons I cannot explain because of my new audience (yes – I heard your reading these) I need a Live In form to be signed. This form has to be filled about by one of these 10 places that they list such as doctors or schools. The form basically says I know that Lauren lives with Jax at this said address. Doesn’t seem complicated right?

The doctor is the first place on the list so that’s where I started… 3 weeks ago. Apparently they won’t sign it because they have no proof that I actually live there. After a full blown melt down in the doctors office, I’ve accepted that. So fine they can’t do it I get it but why are they on the list then?

Second option: daycare. No such luck either. After this one I drove around like a crazy person looking for someone that could sign it off this damn list. No luck. The alternative to this Live In form is to have this other thing that I don’t have. There is no way of getting it in a way that makes me feel comfortable. There are just somethings not worth risking in order for me to move out. This would be one of them. So my question is how are people that are in situations like me getting this shit signed?! I mean I can’t be the only single mom in this situation.. so where is everyone living? How are they making enough money to live anywhere in this area? Am I the only young single mom in this area?!

There is always the roommate option. The problem with this is I am not just going to move in with a boyfriend just to have a place to live. I would move in with our best friends but her parents would make her life a living hell. Not many people want to live with you when you have a baby. It’s kinda like having pets, it’s not for everyone. Again, that’s fine. I wouldn’t want to live with a stranger because of Jax. If it was just me that would be fine but this is different.

So we are stuck in between this rock and a hard place. Meanwhile other people are buying houses and cars pretending like we don’t exist. Seriously it’s fine this is the closest I come to the “you wanted this”  that people referred to when I got pregnant. I knew all this was going to be hard. I knew I was going to struggle. I knew there was going to be sacrifices I would have to make for Jax. I knew Jax was going to have to lack certain things because of his parents’ actions. It was only a matter of how well I could handle all of this.

 I feel like I am not handling this well. I feel like I am stuck. Not just in my house but in other aspects as well. But if there is someone whose going to pull a hail Mary out of their ass its going to be me. I have to…looks who’s watching.

It’s happening – more and more every day my sweet little baby is turning into a tyrant. Other people would call him a toddler but I don’t like to sugar coat it. We have entered the era of terrible twos.

I have had it pretty easy, other than his shrieking cry, Jax is an easy going kid.  A bit sensitive but that part is kinda cute so I can adapt to that. But I wasn’t ready for this. He is only a year and a half (18 months for you weirdos who need to know months).

There are so many awesome perks that come with having a toddler. He is learning to talk more each day, he says hilarious things, he mimics everything I say, he understands EVERYTHING I say, he can walk around on his own, tell me what he wants and finally all the teeth are in! That’s just to name a few. Just like every other toddler I have lost all my control. He wants to show me whose boss. He never misses a chance to try to assert his independence. Don’t even get me started on the sass.. Just this morning when I was dropping him off at daycare I told him I loved him. His response? “I know buhbye!” Well shit kid.

Now that he can tell me what he wants it has gotten easier. HAHAH just joking. Basically he doesn’t know what he wants. Everything is a no or a fight. Even when I do exactly what he wants me to. “Mama nana” hands him a banana then he throws himself on the floor crying…

Someone send help because I’m not ready.

They told me this would happen.

My friends, my family and my doctors all warned me. If you haven’t gone to the emergency room at least twice by the time your son is two than you are a helicopter mom. I have it easier than most. I don’t have to be a helicopter mom (even though I kinda am) because my son is a “helicopter son.” He is shy and timid. He is on the calmer more cautious side. Killian, Natasha and I are the ones that teach or encourage Jax to live on the wild side. It is actually kinda cute because he looks to me for reassurance or clings to me too  protect him.

On Saturday morning we went to breakfast with Jax’s grandparents. Before we even ordered the food everyone was trying to get him to go on the indoor playground. I could tell he was nervous about exploring it. I encouraged him to follow me up and sit on my lap to go down the slide.

Half way down the slide he tried to get off my lap. Throwing his leg over mine it got stuck on the side of the slide. Apparently baby / toddler shoes are meant to catch on anything so they won’t fall or something like that. Either way it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me..it sounds like that would make them fall. According to the nurse at the ER you aren’t supposed to let them wear shoes on the slides like ever. Maybe I am an idiot but it didn’t even cross my mind. I know you are supposed to take their shoes off at indoor playgrounds but I was scared he would have slipped. So for all you mamas take off the shoes on indoor and outdoor slides. Walk on the mulch and gravel kids.. cause that make sense..

I instantly knew he was going to be in cast when I heard a huge crack. I tried to put him down but he wouldn’t put any weight on it. He didn’t cry right away but when he realized he couldn’t walk he was so freaked out. Poor thing probably thinks he is never going to walk again.

I brought him to peds to make sure it was necessary to get x-rays. His response to her moving anything on his right leg was clear that he was going to need a cast it was just a matter of how bad it was. He was in so much pain and so freaked out he was calling out “JAJA,” this is what his best friend calls him. The only way I could settle him down was to face-time Killian. Jax said something to him that I couldn’t understand while Natasha and I tried to explain to Killi that Jax was hurt. Killian said ” OH NO JAJA” he seriously got a tear in his eye. We all thought he was about to cry for Jax. Their friendship is the cutest thing to me.


Although we went to the emergency room before I am going to count this as the first visit. I took Jax to get x-rays, poor kid was terrified of the huge machine dangling over him. The most soul crushing part of being a mom is having to hold down your child as they ask you stop and ask you to help them. I thought holding him down for shots was bad. Well this was way worse. With shots I can kinda hug him as I do it but this wasn’t like that.

Afterwards the guy said to sit in the waiting room and wait for a call from my doctor. Which was so weird to me but it was worse that my doctor barely knew or told me anything either. It felt like they were trying to tell me as little as possible so I wouldn’t freak out.

The peds nurse told me she was going to put on a splint and that he would have a cast on for 4-6 weeks because he has a “toddler fracture.” It is oddly comforting knowing there is a name for these type of incidents on the slide. I feel like the worse mom. Strangers look at me like I’m the worst mom. They look at me like obviously I abuse my child, like there is no possible way a toddler could have done while I was watching him.

Honestly, he has been a trooper even when he’s in a lot of pain. He has such a good attitude about life. I am learning so much more from him than
I could ever teach him. It’s so bad ass that he’s going to have a cast at one. I explained to him that girls dig that shit.  I’ve never broken a bone so all this is going to be an adventure. I gotta admit it is so stinkin’ cute that he’s going to have a little cast. Most of all I can’t wait to see him walk again. Never again will I wish that for just one second my toddler can’t walk. They are meant to be free. Seriously don’t try to leash your kids they turn rabid  but that’s for another time.

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At the begin of February I got in a car accident. Since then I have been driving my dad’s car, that was the car I used to drive until I was given the Prius.

I have never been car shopping. The only cars I have ever owned were given to me. They were also used cars which never bothered me before. I totaled the Prius so I figured I was going to have to buy a used car. I knew I would get some insurance money and I could use my tax return to pay for the rest. The plan was get a small used car and put down all the money I had with out going over the budget. I didn’t want to finance it. I can’t handle one more bill.

On Sunday my dad offered to take me to CarMax. I was hungover from my winery trip, so bad I was barely standing off of a few hours of sleep. I looked at the cars in my price range but I wasn’t sold. I found a 2014 red Elantra with 38k miles on it. I was obsessed with it before I even got in it. It was a little out of my price range but I didn’t care. After test driving it I knew I wanted to take it home.

I signed all the paperwork. I wrote the biggest check of my life. They put a bow on the car. I took a picture with the car. I showed it off to Jax. I move all my crap into it…. just for my dad to come tell me. We should still go see your friend at the car dealership to see if we can get you a better deal with a new car. WHAT?! If was going to look at something else why did I just buy a damn car?!

I drove the Elantra around for a few days which made it even harder to want to give it up. I loved this car. The color. The size. The feel. My dad should have known that I would fall in love with it and have a hard time giving it up after that. Like a good sport I went to the dealership anyways. I was shown a couple of cars but I wasn’t sold. I liked the Ford Fiesta that would be around the same price of what I paid for the Elantra but it came down to the color. I was not going to buy an ugly colored car that I wasn’t obsessing over to begin with. Finally my friend said “Lauren do I need to get you the red one?” I said yes and the deal was done.

That night I brought back the Elantra. Did all the paperwork again. Was put into a loaner car so that they could transfer my new car to their dealership. I hadn’t seen this new car, well I did in other colors but I didn’t get to see mine that night. I was going to have to wait a few days. I was nervous that I wasn’t going to love it. I was nervous that I had bought two cars in less than a week.

By the time I was on the lot to pick up the car I was so much more excited than I thought. I have my new car Marshall & my friend gave Jax his own little red car so he could have one just like mommy.

I have never been much of a wine person. If I drink it it has to be white or Rose. Red just isn’t an option. Even sangria is a little bit hard for me to drink.

When Jax was younger and the weather was nicer, it was fun to go to wineries just because it was nice to get out and pretend I was a functioning human in society. Now that he is 16 months all he wants to do is run around, eat things he isn’t supposed to and climb all over everything. So winery trips have been off my radar, especially because it’s been so cold.

Last weekend my friends suggested we go. I was hesitant thinking I would barely get to sit down let alone drink wine. But it was something to do, I never just go do things with the girls anymore. I needed this. There is something rejuvenating about doing things for yourself even if the kids are there. Actually human interaction in general is. It’s lonely being a mom sometimes. Even though you are never alone, not even in the bathroom. I’m not going to lie that night and the next day I  was more exhausted but in the moment I had so much energy. Maybe it was the wine. Whatever it was I needed it.

Anyways. We went to Cana Winery. It is the cutest Winery for all the Jesus lovers out there. Plus the best part of it is the open field. It was nice enough for us to sit outside thankfully. Jax and his best friend, Killian, ran around the open field as we all drank wine.

The boys were still crazy but it felt manageable. Jax and Killian ate ashes from an old fire bit. They came back covered in black ash. Jax fell off a picnic table, slamming his face into the ground. He didn’t seem phased. He proceed to try to steal other kids balls with Killian.  They were in heaven.

Sometimes it feels like these things aren’t worth it because I don’t have the energy to do these things anymore but I need to. Right now I am the worst friend. I don’t respond to texts. Forget to call back.  I know I have said this to all my friends but as a reminder I promise I will get better. Jax will get older and I will have more time. Until then I hope you guys cherish the time that we do have like I do.

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