Search

becomingjaxsmama

Every year my family and I go on vacation together to our bay house. It is one of my favorite childhood memories. Our whole family, cousins and all, have houses on this compound. It’s this cute little place where Brooks & Dunn’s Red Dirt Road starts playing in your head whenever you think of it. This is where I was the week of the 4th and the explanation of not posting last week.

I’ve brought Jaxson down to the bay a few times but this year I knew he was going to get it. I was a little hesitant about going because I know now that I am a mom a vacation with kids is not a vacation at all. Thank God for PTO because at least from 9 to 5 I was getting paid to watch my son. Lol I’m joking! This was also the week that I was really planning on trying to potty train Jaxson. So I really had my work cut out for me.

Are you sitting down?! Because guess what.. it all was a piece of cake. Don’t get me wrong the heat was exhausting plus there was an incident with me throwing up but that’s not the point. Jaxson was in his element here. It made me so happy because I remember it was like that for me too. He was so good! He had no accidents while he was at the bay. He was in underwear the entire time besides when he slept. It was insane the potty training was effortless. He just knew it was time and I knew that was going to be how potty training went but that didn’t mean my plan for training him on vacation was going to be successful. His demeanor was also amazing.

We took the best 3 hour naps together every day. So I was also in heaven. It was so nice to refresh with Jaxson. So often I come home from work exhausted or spend the weekends rushing through my to do lists that it was nice to spend quality time with him.

 

Advertisements

I had something happen recently that really has changed my perspective on life. I tend to stand on the negative side and see negative qualities more clearly than the good. It’s easier for me to compartmentalize bad shit if  I quickly complain about it rather than holding it in.  That’s probably not the best approach. Why not just try to find the good in the situation. I’m 25 so bad habits really die hard at this point but I want to try to focus on the positive more. Y’all need to hold me responsible.

Anyways, this week or better yet the next two weeks is going to be crazy for Jaxson and I. Our apartment is being renovated while we live in it. It should only take 10 days though.

  • New floors
  • New counters
  • Diming lights
  • New carpet
  • New appliances

It should be really nice, it already looks nice and I just have the new counter tops and sinks. I will also be on vacation for the last 5 days of construction so it’s only us living out of boxes for 5 days technically.

I phrased it to Jaxson that these next two weeks would be an adventure. We would have breakfast dates in the morning and dinner with family or friends each night this week. Even as I packed things away this past weekend I wasn’t in great spirits. I was just stressed having to pack it all up and live there with a two year old out of boxes. Monday morning I woke up in great spirits because I reminded myself how many blessings are in this. I have this space that is perfect for me and Jaxson that will be a complete upgrade without the price going up. I don’t have to stay some where else. I get quality time with Jaxson.

There are great lessons to be learned about finding little positives and having gratitude in every situation. The world can make you so jaded and I am not exempt from that. I am so grateful to be reminded of this. I just hope that Jaxson will learn to do the same but it’s gotta start with me.

I’ve been stalling on this post until my “8 ball” has been revealed. If you’ve been following you will know I have  had seven tattoos. I’ve written about most. I am hesitant to write this because I didn’t tell everyone I was getting it. Yes, I am 25 years old and worried people will get mad at me for my continuous defilement of my body.  Nobody yelled at Jaxson for wrecking my perfectly good body, don’t worry there is still time.


Much like my scorpion and chess piece tattoo I have a generic answer to what it means. “It’s two hearts in a jar with my son’s birth date on it.” WELL DUH. Anyone who has eye sight can see that. I’ve been asked if it was a mother-son tattoo which if you spend time thinking about it like I did you will find intensely creepy. I mean this is the tattoo that I’ve wanted for over a year to get as my “Jaxson” tattoo but I wouldn’t call it a mother-son tattoo hahah. A bunch of my friends chipped in for this tattoo as my birth day present. As in labor, not the actual day I was born. It’s like a delayed push present.

I don’t usual go into depth explaining my tattoos usually because my friends can follow my scattered train of thoughts so bare with me here.

The structure and placement is key. It’s on my left shoulder blade. This is where it had to be because I needed some where that had a Jaxson meaning and had a Jack meaning. Jaxson has been putting him little hands on that spot since I’ve been making myself short by holding him on my hip. As for Jack – it’s behind me, but I can look back at it and smile.

There must be some sort of magic in tattoo’s.. I swear because when you leave a weight is lifted off of your shoulders. Each time I have gotten a tattoo I have felt that way maybe all my adrenaline is just warn off I don’t know but it does feel like it helps work things through.

ANYWAYS. I always liked the idea of a heart in a jar. You know, like that song. One of my favorites from my angst teenage years.

I learned to live half alive and now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?

Runnin’ ’round leaving scars collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart

You’re going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul

So don’t come back for me

So once I decided that I was going to do a heart in the jar it made sense to me. I would put two hearts me and Jack’s in the jar. The jar’s lid has Jax’s birthday on it. So the jar is sealed by his birthday. Are you following or have I lost you? The hearts also overlapping each other was not an accident. Part of the hearts are the same but not all of it. The dot work is dark around edges but fade out as it gets to the two hearts coming together. Kind of like the light at the end of tunnel.

The mainstream version of the Greek word Koumbara means maid of honor. Traditionally the Koumbara would help the bride decorate her crown and place a ribbon in it. There would be a part during the ceremony where the Koumbara would place the crown upon the bride’s head to “crown them with honor and glory.” Once the bride and groom have children it also important that the Koumbara be there on the day the children are baptized then takes on the roll of godparent.

Tasha and I are not Greek but this titled makes sense for me in her wedding. I am the godmother. Plus I was going to be in the wedding party so why the hell not. We like traditions and shit. Although, Natasha & Shane’s wedding is not going to be very traditional. They don’t need it, they don’t even technically need a marriage license anyways. This is one of those couples that is going to be together forever no questions asked. Since this won’t be a traditional wedding and well I’m not a stand up in front of people to give a speech I figured I could write it out here. I wrote a  story on them before but this one’s from my perspective.

 

The first time Natasha introduced me to Shane was one of my favorite “classic Shane” stories. Natasha had just picked me up from my house to hang out. When I got in her car she said “don’t be mad, but we have to go get Shane.” I tell ya if I had a nickel. So we are driving to Reston when Natasha makes a joke “watch he’s going to be like ‘hey babe I met this homeless guy .. ” We both laughed at how ridiculous that sounded. Well that’s what I thought at least. We got to Reston Town Center and parked near the fountains. Of course Shane was nowhere to be found with a dead cell phone. He finally shows up, stating he needs to find a way to fit his bike into her tiny car. Then proceeds to tell us how he met this homeless man that needed a ride. Natasha and I just stared at each other. It’s like she had know this was the situation already. They were just connected like that.

No we didn’t take home a homeless man but that story was the start of me considering Shane as family. See Shane was always around through high school and college he was like the third wheel. As the months turned into years I always worried I would end being the third wheel but that never happened. See somewhere down the line we all became best friends. The only way I can explain why is because they are extensions of each other. They work together as one being. How that is even possible can only be defined as soulmates.

Natasha has been my best friend since I was in sixth grade. The Sex and the City quote about how our soulmates might be our girlfriends and guys are just people we have fun with – that’s how it is for me. But I didn’t realize how much I need both of these souls in my life until I got pregnant. See just a month before they had found out they were pregnant. To some this may have seemed crazy but to me this was perfect. Their love was pouring into a new entity. An entity that they wanted me to be the godparent of. I honestly can say had only I gotten pregnant at the time nothing would have changed about the part I am going to tell you.

Since Jax was an infant Shane has been there for him. Natasha has been there for me for what feels like my whole life so I knew she would always be there for Jax. It’s not that I am surprised by any means of the nature of which Shane is there for Jaxson it’s how much I realized he was part of my family too. He has been feeding, changing, babysitting, and mentoring Jaxson whenever they are together. Never once hesitating. Jaxson has been obsessed with “Sheen” since he’s been able to vocalize it. He even calls him dada sometimes.. I don’t know who the heck is going to break that news to him but it sure as hell won’t be me.

Shane has taken Jaxson under his wing as if he was his own. I really don’t even know how to begin to explain what this means to me. Shane knew Jaxson would need a manly figure to look up to and without hesitation or request he took on that responsibility. Their union has left footprints on all the hearts of the lives they have encountered not just their owns. Natasha uses this quote to describe their relationship & I totally get it. If something were to happen to either of them I know the other would live on through the other.

He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls made of, his and mine are the same. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.

Congratulation Hale’s its about damn time.

A few weeks ago I decided it makes more sense for me to pay for snacks and breakfast foods instead of wasting so much money buying “meals” that I never make. So I decided to sign up for Hello Fresh. It’s been working out really well because Jaxson mainly eats yogurt and oatmeal right now unless it’s fast food or a snack. There is no point in making a meal centered around him. I get three two person meals and it feeds me for a whole week. Now I am spending less on food so double win for me.

Earlier this week I was cooking one of the meals and Jaxson was watching me. Which let me tell you is so nice! I love not turning on the TV right when we get home. We talked mainly me responding to “what are you doing” ten million times as I cooked. By the time I was done we had decided it was nice enough to sit outside. I made a plate only for myself and put the leftovers in the Tupperware as usual for my lunch. When we went outside Jax pulled his chair up really close. He said “is this for me?” pointing down at my plate. I told him he could eat whatever he wanted. I was so glad he was interested in it. Toddlers are picky eaters, it is a control mechanism. He had one bite then said “MAMA YOU SUCH A GOOD MAKER!”

He has no idea how true that statement was. He meant cooker which isn’t really all that true I mean I try and everything is edible but I wouldn’t know what I was doing unless I have instructions. What I do know is I am a good maker. I made a really sweet little boy. Earlier that day when we were walking up to the apartment there was this lady walking down the stairs that Jaxson didn’t see. As I pulled him to the side of the stairs to let her pass he said “OH sorry!” He was totally not in her way at all when he said that but he felt like that at two! I’m sorry I don’t know what I did but I am a good maker.

 

When he walks out in the morning & says good morning mama.

When he turns over to put his nose up against mine while we cuddle before bed saying “I miss you mama.”

He’s really into holding my face lately to grab my attention. He’ll say “I love you honey” or “hello I’m talking to you” just like I do.

He calls pee poop which is strange but hilarious.

Jaxson has started to initiate saying he loves me and that I’m his best friend.

When he tries to order me a diet coke.

He always offers me the last slice of pizza or last bite of his food.

 

By the time you are reading this many days and crackers lost will have been had. But I think this is important to share. I think all of the messy parts of parenting should be shared. All we hear about is the good stuff and that isolates the moms that are doing their best but don’t have all their shit together. It makes us feel like we aren’t good enough parents.

On the day that I am writing this post I have lost my shit. Terrible twos are real and they are real hard. Potty training is a fucking nightmare and single parenting is too much for one person to handle 365 days a year for 18 years.

Jaxson had removed his diaper and slipped into a swim diaper he had found in the closet he tore to pieces last night as I tired to cook dinner. Mind you I slaved over that and he doesn’t even touch it. So bananas and apples for dinner it was. I had no idea he was in this swim diaper until he showed me this morning. THANK GOD he slept in his own bed last night for the first time in weeks or else this would be a worse post. I knew that it was possible he peed in his bed through the swim diaper so I would have to change his sheets. Swim diapers don’t hold any thing in for all you nonparents. I throw everything in the wash and set him on the potty to pee before putting on his new diaper. Yes, we are back to that. He doesn’t pee. Fine, I was going to be late anyways so I put on his diaper. Which he removes, squats down face in the carpet and watches himself pee on my floor.

This is not the second or third time this has happened. Pee.. poop.. it’s all been on my carpets. I can’t seem to get it to stop. People when I say I lost it, I mean like LOST it. My poor neighbors. Sadly my poor baby too. He doesn’t understand and I fail to remember that sometimes.

As I was driving him to daycare this morning I remembered I am supposed to be guiding him on how the world works. I don’t want him to think he cannot make mistakes or I will be upset with him for his wrong doings. I want him to know he can always come to me and I will always be that guide or judge free listener. He’s two yeah yeah I know but think about it maybe that will sink in somewhere to his brain then effect him later on. So we pulled up to daycare and I hopped into the back seat. I said “Jaxson mama is very sorry that she got upset with you this morning for peeing on my floor. I was rushed to go to work and just snapped.” I knew he wasn’t really understanding but I wanted him to hear me. “Sometimes accidents happen and that’s ok. Sometimes mommy will get mad.” Then he says “mama you hate me?” Apparently he was sorta understanding my apology. I told him “Of course not I could never hate you baby.” He told me he me I was his best friend we hugged and he went school.

Be patient. Be the guide. Admit when you mess up. They are watching and learning. I’m not perfect and I want him to know that it’s ok.

 

I don’t know much about chess. My best friend tried to teach me in high school but we never got through a game without him helping me through it. He was one of those “I’m your person even when I’m not yours” kind of best friends. But this isn’t about him.

There was this one thing that he said about chess that always stuck out to me because of the way he said it. He said “Lauren, the king needs the queen to protect him that’s why she can move all over the board while the king can only move one space at a time. If you lose your queen your done for.” The king is always afraid of losing his and the queen is risking everything just to protect the king.

My seventh tattoo is the queen chess piece with the kings crown falling off of it. There were many different thoughts that attributed to this piece. The placement came from a funny drunk night of trying to decide where the hell this was going to go since I no longer want to show off the sides of my stomach. It is on the inside of my right arm. My right arm has always been my strongest arm because it is my dominant hand.. until I had Jaxson. It’s been said that mom’s use their non-dominant side to carry our babies so that we can use our dominant hand to continue on with life ie cooking, cleaning, and so on. Now after 2.5 years my left arm is the strongest. The thought of putting it on my weaker arm was to portray that I would still have to protect my king but he didn’t come first anymore. I try my very hardest not to speak badly of Jack. I never want Jax’s view of Jack to be tainted by my words. I want him to make up his own mind. Nothing good would come from me trash talking him.

As everyone knows I am the mom and the dad to Jax. That’s why the kings crown is on the queen. Chess was the perfect analogy for our situation because Jack only could say so much when I got pregnant. If you remember the king can only move one space at a time. The queen can do whatever she wants so all the choices were up to me and continue to be. This meant to me that I had to strategically make all my next moves one wrong move and I’m mated.

It all started last Friday morning when Jaxson came into the bathroom when I was getting ready. He said “Mama are you doing your make up?” I told him yes and he followed up with “can I peepee while you do it?” I wasn’t prepared for a fight so I said “fine but you have to do it yourself.” He slid out of his diaper and the rest is history.

This weekend was spent with a naked toddler who did not pee or poop in a diaper once! Not even when he was asleep. I could not be more proud or more exhausted. The trend is continuing through this week. It’s insane how we can go from no I won’t to ok I can do this all on my own mom.

Hopefully we can start wearing boxers out and quit buying diapers soon but I won’t hold my breathe just yet. Wearing underwear out brings on a new challenges like having extra clothes and underwear or worrying about being in a car for too long. But hey, bring it on.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑