For the “father” of my son. All you missed and more.

It’s funny because one of the episodes on How I Met Your Mother we watched together is the one where Ted and Barney decide its a good idea to raise a baby together. They both accepted that challenge together. Here I am accepting our challenge to raise this baby all on my own.

I think I am supposed to hate you for making me do this on my own because my son will grow up without you and I have nobody to share this experience with. Instead I want to thank you. By not doing me any favors you have done me a lot of favors. Not having to try to make a relationship with you work or fighting through trying to co parent. You’ve also given us the opportunity to invite someone into our little family that wants to be in both of our lives. As selfish as you are being I am choosing to see it as an opportunity instead of another abandonment.

Now with that said I don’t know how in the world I am going to learn to forgive you if you ever do decide you want to be apart of our babies life. Not being here for my pregnancy you have already missed so much, with me and the baby. I can maybe forgive you for not being there for me but once this baby is born I will not be able to forgive you for everything you missed as he grows up to be a better man than you ever will be.

Curious to what you’ve missed thus far? My first sonogram I took my cousin and my mom with me to see the baby for the first time. It was so cute he was literally so small you actually would have thought it was cute. The next time we saw little baby on a sonogram was to find out the gender. He had grown so much, it was such a cool experience. I fell even more in love with this baby that day which I didn’t even know was possible.

There are two experiences that actually make me upset that you weren’t there for. The first one was when I got a shooting pain on my left side on a Friday night. I thought it was normal back pain because when it started it was just uncomfortable for me to be sitting. I went to bed early expecting I would wake up and I would feel as good as new. Unfortunately I woke up at 1 AM in more than I had been before. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the back and it was only getting worse. I tried laying in every position, I tried sitting up and standing but nothing was waking me feel better. I started crying because it hurt so badly and I felt like I couldn’t breathe at points. Finally after an hour of trying to get comfortable I walked to my parents room to wake them up. I didn’t want to because I knew they were mad I was pregnant to begin with so I didn’t want to bother them if this pain was normal. My gut was telling me that this couldn’t have been normal or I was a pansy. My mom ended up getting in bed with me because she was concerned for both me and the baby. I rolled around wondering if I was having contractions because my mom asked me if that’s what the pain felt like. I started to panic, I didn’t know what the hell that felt like. I was only 20 weeks pregnant it was way to early for him to come out. We called my doctor and he told us to go to the hospital to make sure it wasn’t contractions. I was terrified I had killed this baby it would have been awesome if you would have been there to understand what I was going through. My mom was there but she didn’t understand it wasn’t her kid, I was. She only knew how bad she felt that I was so scared.

Depending on how you look at it everything turned out fine that night. They gave me drugs to calm me down because I was putting the baby in distress since I thought I had been hurting him the whole time. This was when I found out I had hydronephrosis which is common in pregnancy, especially if you have bad kidneys like me. Hydronephrosis is fluid in the kidneys that is not being flushed because the baby is pinching the kidney. Thankfully the only one that gets hurt from this is me unless my kidneys get infected from the fluid not draining soon enough.

The second experience I wish you were here for is when he kicks or punches. Whenever I let someone feel him moving for the first time I get the same amazing reaction each time. A person will put their hands where I tell them while watching my stomach. The moment he moves that person looks up with pure joy saying “there is a real human in there” or “I felt him!” There is this sparkle in their eyes and a huge grin on their faces. The only one I really want to see give me that look is you.

Our son already recognizes my voice and gets excited when I sing or read to him. He has no idea what in the world your voice sounds like. He has favorite country songs that he starts kicking to when he hears but you’ll never see that. He even has a name picked out that you didn’t get a say in and he will definitely not have your last name #sorrynotsorry.

I can’t totally blame you for not being here or understanding how I feel because I became a mom when I got pregnant and you didn’t. Men tend to become a parent the first time they hold their baby. Good luck getting that opportunity. Not to mention you could have had the hottest baby mama ever / soon to be milf. Your loss.

– With love your baby mama