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becomingjaxsmama

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March 2017

They told me this would happen.

My friends, my family and my doctors all warned me. If you haven’t gone to the emergency room at least twice by the time your son is two than you are a helicopter mom. I have it easier than most. I don’t have to be a helicopter mom (even though I kinda am) because my son is a “helicopter son.” He is shy and timid. He is on the calmer more cautious side. Killian, Natasha and I are the ones that teach or encourage Jax to live on the wild side. It is actually kinda cute because he looks to me for reassurance or clings to me too  protect him.

On Saturday morning we went to breakfast with Jax’s grandparents. Before we even ordered the food everyone was trying to get him to go on the indoor playground. I could tell he was nervous about exploring it. I encouraged him to follow me up and sit on my lap to go down the slide.

Half way down the slide he tried to get off my lap. Throwing his leg over mine it got stuck on the side of the slide. Apparently baby / toddler shoes are meant to catch on anything so they won’t fall or something like that. Either way it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me..it sounds like that would make them fall. According to the nurse at the ER you aren’t supposed to let them wear shoes on the slides like ever. Maybe I am an idiot but it didn’t even cross my mind. I know you are supposed to take their shoes off at indoor playgrounds but I was scared he would have slipped. So for all you mamas take off the shoes on indoor and outdoor slides. Walk on the mulch and gravel kids.. cause that make sense..

I instantly knew he was going to be in cast when I heard a huge crack. I tried to put him down but he wouldn’t put any weight on it. He didn’t cry right away but when he realized he couldn’t walk he was so freaked out. Poor thing probably thinks he is never going to walk again.

I brought him to peds to make sure it was necessary to get x-rays. His response to her moving anything on his right leg was clear that he was going to need a cast it was just a matter of how bad it was. He was in so much pain and so freaked out he was calling out “JAJA,” this is what his best friend calls him. The only way I could settle him down was to face-time Killian. Jax said something to him that I couldn’t understand while Natasha and I tried to explain to Killi that Jax was hurt. Killian said ” OH NO JAJA” he seriously got a tear in his eye. We all thought he was about to cry for Jax. Their friendship is the cutest thing to me.


Although we went to the emergency room before I am going to count this as the first visit. I took Jax to get x-rays, poor kid was terrified of the huge machine dangling over him. The most soul crushing part of being a mom is having to hold down your child as they ask you stop and ask you to help them. I thought holding him down for shots was bad. Well this was way worse. With shots I can kinda hug him as I do it but this wasn’t like that.

Afterwards the guy said to sit in the waiting room and wait for a call from my doctor. Which was so weird to me but it was worse that my doctor barely knew or told me anything either. It felt like they were trying to tell me as little as possible so I wouldn’t freak out.

The peds nurse told me she was going to put on a splint and that he would have a cast on for 4-6 weeks because he has a “toddler fracture.” It is oddly comforting knowing there is a name for these type of incidents on the slide. I feel like the worse mom. Strangers look at me like I’m the worst mom. They look at me like obviously I abuse my child, like there is no possible way a toddler could have done while I was watching him.

Honestly, he has been a trooper even when he’s in a lot of pain. He has such a good attitude about life. I am learning so much more from him than
I could ever teach him. It’s so bad ass that he’s going to have a cast at one. I explained to him that girls dig that shit.  I’ve never broken a bone so all this is going to be an adventure. I gotta admit it is so stinkin’ cute that he’s going to have a little cast. Most of all I can’t wait to see him walk again. Never again will I wish that for just one second my toddler can’t walk. They are meant to be free. Seriously don’t try to leash your kids they turn rabid  but that’s for another time.

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At the begin of February I got in a car accident. Since then I have been driving my dad’s car, that was the car I used to drive until I was given the Prius.

I have never been car shopping. The only cars I have ever owned were given to me. They were also used cars which never bothered me before. I totaled the Prius so I figured I was going to have to buy a used car. I knew I would get some insurance money and I could use my tax return to pay for the rest. The plan was get a small used car and put down all the money I had with out going over the budget. I didn’t want to finance it. I can’t handle one more bill.

On Sunday my dad offered to take me to CarMax. I was hungover from my winery trip, so bad I was barely standing off of a few hours of sleep. I looked at the cars in my price range but I wasn’t sold. I found a 2014 red Elantra with 38k miles on it. I was obsessed with it before I even got in it. It was a little out of my price range but I didn’t care. After test driving it I knew I wanted to take it home.

I signed all the paperwork. I wrote the biggest check of my life. They put a bow on the car. I took a picture with the car. I showed it off to Jax. I move all my crap into it…. just for my dad to come tell me. We should still go see your friend at the car dealership to see if we can get you a better deal with a new car. WHAT?! If was going to look at something else why did I just buy a damn car?!

I drove the Elantra around for a few days which made it even harder to want to give it up. I loved this car. The color. The size. The feel. My dad should have known that I would fall in love with it and have a hard time giving it up after that. Like a good sport I went to the dealership anyways. I was shown a couple of cars but I wasn’t sold. I liked the Ford Fiesta that would be around the same price of what I paid for the Elantra but it came down to the color. I was not going to buy an ugly colored car that I wasn’t obsessing over to begin with. Finally my friend said “Lauren do I need to get you the red one?” I said yes and the deal was done.

That night I brought back the Elantra. Did all the paperwork again. Was put into a loaner car so that they could transfer my new car to their dealership. I hadn’t seen this new car, well I did in other colors but I didn’t get to see mine that night. I was going to have to wait a few days. I was nervous that I wasn’t going to love it. I was nervous that I had bought two cars in less than a week.

By the time I was on the lot to pick up the car I was so much more excited than I thought. I have my new car Marshall & my friend gave Jax his own little red car so he could have one just like mommy.

I have never been much of a wine person. If I drink it it has to be white or Rose. Red just isn’t an option. Even sangria is a little bit hard for me to drink.

When Jax was younger and the weather was nicer, it was fun to go to wineries just because it was nice to get out and pretend I was a functioning human in society. Now that he is 16 months all he wants to do is run around, eat things he isn’t supposed to and climb all over everything. So winery trips have been off my radar, especially because it’s been so cold.

Last weekend my friends suggested we go. I was hesitant thinking I would barely get to sit down let alone drink wine. But it was something to do, I never just go do things with the girls anymore. I needed this. There is something rejuvenating about doing things for yourself even if the kids are there. Actually human interaction in general is. It’s lonely being a mom sometimes. Even though you are never alone, not even in the bathroom. I’m not going to lie that night and the next day I  was more exhausted but in the moment I had so much energy. Maybe it was the wine. Whatever it was I needed it.

Anyways. We went to Cana Winery. It is the cutest Winery for all the Jesus lovers out there. Plus the best part of it is the open field. It was nice enough for us to sit outside thankfully. Jax and his best friend, Killian, ran around the open field as we all drank wine.

The boys were still crazy but it felt manageable. Jax and Killian ate ashes from an old fire bit. They came back covered in black ash. Jax fell off a picnic table, slamming his face into the ground. He didn’t seem phased. He proceed to try to steal other kids balls with Killian.  They were in heaven.

Sometimes it feels like these things aren’t worth it because I don’t have the energy to do these things anymore but I need to. Right now I am the worst friend. I don’t respond to texts. Forget to call back.  I know I have said this to all my friends but as a reminder I promise I will get better. Jax will get older and I will have more time. Until then I hope you guys cherish the time that we do have like I do.

Last year we had a huge snowstorm when Jax was still a newborn. He had no idea what the heck snow was. He was barely awake through the whole thing – which had its own perks. So I was a little disappointed when winter was ending without having one snow day.

It was a little weird having a snow day in the middle of March but I finally got my wish. Jax had his first snow day! Work was closed but we had to work from home. Although I am sure we could have gone in later in the day. The daycare was open but I didn’t want to take Jax in. I wanted him to be able to play in the snow since I didn’t have that much to do for work other than one project and stay available.

There is something I am learning about being a mom. It’s that absolutely nothing goes the way you plan it. It’s like the Murphy’s law of motherhood, anything that could have gone wrong goes wrong.Today was no different, everything went wrong.

I ended up having two work related projects. Which was fine except for when you have a toddler they want to do everything you are doing. I couldn’t find his toy laptop so he really wanted to slam on mine. I found it later that night when I was cleaning up – of course. Once I was done with everything I could work on at that moment I decided it was time to make the big venture outside. The day before at daycare Jax had learned to say the word “snow.” The whole morning he had been pointing outside screaming snow. From that we both assumed he was going to love the snow. We were wrong. I picked up my son that resembled a marshmallow from winter gear and set him down in the middle of the front yard. I walked away getting ready to snap chat his exciting first snow experience. All I got was him crying and falling.

He hated the snow. 

I was a little bit confused because I thought kids liked the snow regardless of it being freezing. My kid does not. He slowly lifted up his feet freaked out that the snow was touching him. He lost his footing and his mittens touched the snow that was when he decided we weren’t going to like this at all. He sprinted to the paved driveway. Once the snow wasn’t touching him he thought it was cool again. He bent over throwing around the snow for a few minutes. That was pretty much the extent of our snow experience. The whole thing lasted about 10 minutes.

After the snow, I gave him a snack put his show back on so I could log back in at work. Jax was sitting there watching TV when all of the sudden his eyes roll to the back of his head. He fell asleep right there on the floor! It looked like he had fainted when he fell over. It could have been one of those videos on youtube. I had heard babies do this but I had never seen it. I was so relieved as all mamas know – nap time is the best time.

That was also short lived. I had barely checked an email or eaten lunch by the time he was up. He was tired, we both knew it but he wanted to fight it. The time change has really screwed up his schedule. I guess there are some good moms out there that prep for this kinda thing but I barely know what day it is.

I don’t know how stay at home moms or moms that work from home do it. I really don’t…you guys are the real MVPs. I was about to lose my mind by 1pm. Thankfully the daycare was open and the roads were fine so I dropped him off there for a few hours.

I was at the point where I felt like our snow day was a complete wash. But things turned around when I was able to nap #snowdaywins.  I am sure snow days will be different each year and I will look back hoping for a day like this one just like I am doing right now about last year. Here’s to all the future snow days. I hope y’all enjoy our bloopers.

 

 

 

 

Let me just start by saying I love what I do. I love being a single parent. In some senses I chose this life and I am so happy I did. But let me tell you unless you’re in it you really don’t know how hard it is.

One of my favorite bloggers wrote about how some people claim to be a single parent when they aren’t. For example divorced couples or co-parents. Being a single parent isn’t your relationship status with the child’s other parent. I’ve been thinking about the people who I know personally that claim to be a single and it actually pisses me off. If someone is doing half or part of the work you have it made.

You aren’t a single parent if you can drop off your kid with the other parent for either a few hours or a few days.

You aren’t a single parent if some is chipping in some way financially. Even getting child support and having visitation is somewhat debatable to me.

Being a single parent is being the only one to get up in the middle of the night.

Being a single parent is being the only one financially supporting your child.

Being a single parent is having to wait to take a shower or anything for yourself until after your child is asleep.

Being a single parent is not being able to hand off your child to your partner so you can run a quick errand alone or go to the gym.

Being a single parent is having to be the mom and the dad. And so much more.

I tell you this shit ain’t easy. I find myself complaining more than I would like to on a daily basis but that’s just because I got to get it out. In the moment it doesn’t feel like I am doing anything more than anyone else. I think you go into survival mode. But there is nothing more I would rather do for the rest of my life. Like this is it. This is what I’ve been waiting for.

As a parents we all really sacrifice but I think there is something so beautiful about single parenting. The relationship and bond with the kid alone is something that would make me ok with being single for the rest of my life. Because just when I think it is too much for me to handle Jax reminds me how sweet it is.

The morning snuggles from a half asleep toddler.

The sound of them calling you from their crib when they wake up.

Little hands in yours.

The sweet little kisses.

Being the only one they want to comfort them.

No matter what I do he looks at me like I am the greatest person alive.

He is how I survive.

“The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don’t know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress.” – Chuck Palahnuick

 

When I moved back home after college I moved back into my parents house. I was trying to save money while I was pregnant. They agreed that I could stay until my baby turned one then I would have to look for my own place. I still live with my parents but by the time summer comes around it looks like I won’t!

We have three bedrooms that have been shared by me and my sisters. There is room A – the nice new room with a walk in closet and a bathroom. There is room B – this is the room you get before you move into room A because it is the second biggest room. Then there is room C – this is the “baby” room, the room we all slept in when we were the youngest at the time. I promise this relevant.. sorta. Anyways, room C is where all my storage crap is because my parents didn’t want to hear us getting up at all hours of the night with a newborn. So my youngest sister is in room A and my middle sister is in room B. With that said I was using the bed from room C in the basement. This bed is a single that all of us have slept in for the past 20 years. It was absolutely gross, malformed and too small to fit me along with a growing tiny human.

Basically I needed a new bed. I got a queen sized bed for my birthday. I got all new sheets and new pillows. I was so excited to finally not be touched and kicked all night long because no matter how hard I try sometimes it is just easier to let Jax get in bed with me.

When the bed came I moved out my single bed and put the new bed in my room all by myself. I really struggled with it because the bed was taller than my short ass. Not to mention is was so friggin heavy. But Jax cheered me on the whole time it was so cute. He tried to help push the huge bed into my room. Once the bed was finally in place Jax and I climbed up. I honestly don’t know who was more excited me or him. We both bounced around laughing and laid down kicking our feet up.

There is only one downside to this new bed. I had this idea in my head that it would make it easier to cosleep when cosleeping was necessary. I really did get that one wrong. We do have more room and it’s still super cute when he wants to cuddle or I can roll over to give him a kiss in the middle of the night. But now I find myself having to move him multiples times a night. See with all this space he truly wants to make the most of it so he sleeps diagonally. Which means he always his feet on me or kicking me while I’m still falling off the bed…

They really weren’t kidding when they all said sleep now before you never do again.

 

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