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becomingjaxsmama

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February 2017

For those of you who don’t know I have two sisters. All three of us were adopted so actually I have two and a half. We’ve all known we were adopted before I can actually remember anything. My parents are the overly open ones with the things they deem important. The stuff we would more like to know needs to pried out of them but that for another time.

So I’ve always know I was adopted. I’ve also always known that I had a half sister. There’s a lot of hard things that come with being adopted but the one amazing thing you learn is that blood doesn’t mean shit. Family are people that you choose over and over again even when you hate them you still love them because they are your family. Blood can’t do that, it doesn’t choose your family. Now that I have someone blood related to me in my family this is confirmed even more. I choose Jax every single day. It is a conscious decision, although some is instinctual, to put him before myself.

I love when people use the word “real” when you tell them you are adopted. They say something like do you know your “real mom or dad.” The smart ass in me asks “which one is the real one? The one that gave birth to me or the one that raised me?” But seriously which one would you consider real? To me being a real parent is consistently showing up for your kid. I’ll tell you right now my womb donor is not my real mom. We share DNA but that’s it. Just like Jax and Jack. They share DNA but you don’t see him showing up.

All adoption stories are different just like every single person is different. There are no cookie cutter answers for how any party is supposed to handle these situations. There is me who has a good bit of information about my sperm donor and womb donor that I don’t not feel the need to know more. I have no interest and I never have. I live by the whole everything happens for a reason type life. Of course I overthink, get anxiety and so on but not really with this. I am good with leaving it how it is. May that’s out of anger or hurt or whatever it is but I’m not going to open the door to find out.

Then there are my sisters stories. Without sharing all of their personal information I will say this. One of my sisters hasn’t shown interest in who shares her DNA but my other sister. She believes she will find herself through that DNA. I completely support her in every decision she makes with that. Our whole family stands with her as she asks questions.

That life it just isn’t for me. Since I went to college I have become more comfortable with myself. I think I found myself and have grown into myself. I don’t think DNA has anything to do with that. I think self discovery is something you do on your own but maybe it was only like that for me. Everyone is different. Jax had a lot to do with my growing and finding. I’ve always wanted this. I’ve always needed Jax. Not saying it was the best way to do it but it was the right time for me. A few people said to me “the baby won’t fix you” or “won’t solve your problems.” That’s so true and I never expected him to. I fixed a lot of myself (still a long way to go though) all on my own with him as my inspiration.

Now I am trying to really get my shit together even more. I want move out. I am about to by a car. Come on guys I am like adulting. I may have just wreck my car... but I am really trying. 2017 it’s going to be the year. Even though everyone says that every year. I mean it. Adulting, soul searching and positive attitudes.. with a some major weight loss goals.

Sorry my heads a little all over the place today but I feel like that’s fair. Today is Friday my favorite day of the week besides Saturday and Sundays. You know those days that just feel like good days maybe too good to be true? For whatever reason I feel like that sometimes. My body must just feel the energies coming my way or something.

I was out smoking my last cigarette before I try to quit again. Some girl adds me on Facebook. I didn’t even really look at the name or pay any attention it. To be honest when I read it I read the boy version of her name so I thought it was some creep. When I got back inside I got a message and all I could see is “Hi I’m #}%^ I’m your half sister…” 

I knew what this was and I felt guilty for not wanting it. My sister would kill to have this and I would kill for it to go away. This is just some innocent girl that wants to find something through her DNA but I have nothing else left to give. 

Till next time… Here’s to womb that keeps on giving. If your still reading thanks for listening. Happy Friday. 

 

 

 

 

All these things keep going through my head.

I had just gotten gas – which my car gets awesome mileage.

I have basically replaced my whole car with new parts in the last two years. 

The car was paid off. 

I’m going to go broke over this.

I have to keep reminding myself.

But it could have been worse.. it could have been Jax. 

 

On Saturday I wanted to pretend it was my birthday. Mainly because I could celebrate it more on a weekend than I would on the weekday that was actually my birthday. There is a lot more too that but this is the answer I’m sticking with anyways.

Saturday started off awful. I got in a fight with my dad and let my family go to my birthday breakfast without me. After giving Jax a banana to settle him down I decide I was still going to go to my birthday breakfast with just Jax. I wasn’t going to let anything ruin that day. Ha apparently there were other plans for me. I went to breakfast. Coincidentally, sat right behind one of the mommy friends I met at Jax’s daycare. Jax had a huge breakfast with no tantrums and got barely any food on the ground – total win! My mom saw my car in the parking lot (yes I ate at the same place as them at a different table) so she came in to pay for our breakfast. From there Jax and I went to the mall. He needed new shoes and well I didn’t need anything up until I walked in to Sephora then I realized I needed everything.

On the way home from the mall Jax was getting tired. I was driving back the way I drive every single day of the week. I passed Jax’s daycare and was 2 minutes from being home. The light was turning yellow so I decided I was going to go. I hate myself for it. Next thing I know I was breaking trying not to hit the Jeep in front of me. There was a huge bang then Jax scream this blood curdling scream that still makes my heart sink into my stomach thinking about it. I pulled to the side of the road and looked back to tell Jax everything was going to be ok. Except I was wrong I was never going to be ok after I saw the car seat flipped upside down wedged in between the passenger’s front seat and the right side of the car’s back seat. My back seat folds over, I guess on impact it had folded. Somehow the seat belt that attaches the car seat to the car came undone hurdling my poor baby to the other side of the car. Thankfully, the car seat is too big for it to have come through to the front. It scares me thinking it could have gone through the windshield if it did.


His car seat was wedged between the seats as I struggled to pull it up some guy that saw the whole thing jumped out of his car to help me. When I freed Jax I just held him and shook. He seemed fine but scared. He laid his head on my shoulder as if he was more trying to comfort me than himself. The guy called 911 as I searched for my phone to call my dad. He offered to call but I knew my dad would have been more freaked out had he heard someone else’s voice on the line.

The firemen and police showed up quickly. Suddenly Jax wasn’t so tired anymore. The lights and cool uniforms amazed him. He reached his little hands out to a fireman that politely received him. I kept envisioning how this same man could have been carting him away to the ambulance had things been worse. I immediately shook that thought out of my head to decide whether or not I was going to ride in the ambulance to get Jax a check up.

As a mom there is something weird that happens to you in a crisis situation. We have all heard the crazy super mom stories about moms lifting cars off of their children or doing supernatural things to save their kids. The whole time I was holding Jax I was shaking but nothing hurt. Your first and only priority is your kid. The adrenaline hits you hard. You go into this survival and protective mode that doesn’t allow you to think about yourself or anyone else. The minute my dad took him from me I felt like a truck had run me over. My finger was clearly jammed it was staring to swell. I could feel the massive bruise on my knee. I looked down at my chest expecting a huge seat belt mark. My whole body ached. I started to feel dizzy with mom’s guilt. He could have been killed. 

Once my dad was there he took Jax and removed everything from my car. We went through all the motions until it was time to go. It didn’t seem like a big deal to go home. All I wanted to do was to go home so my dad put the car in drive. Suddenly I couldn’t  catch my breath. I hadn’t had a panic attack like that since my early years of college. I looked crazy as I jumped out of my dads car to sit on the parking lot ground of the drug store. Correction, it was crazy. He left me with my mom to take Jax home so he could nap.

It wasn’t just the accident that shook me. The accident was scary but I could get over that. I just can’t get over the thought that Jax could have been hurt and it would have been all my fault. No matter how the situation happened I was going to blame myself. A plane could have fallen out of the sky onto our car and I would have still blamed myself.

At least this nightmare was over. 

But for Jax it wasn’t. He tossed and turned all night. Nightmare after nightmare. After the first nightmare I let him sleep in my bed. He laid on top of me shaking until he fell back asleep. Of course I didn’t sleep once he did. I was just drinking in his peaceful sleep before the next time he would scream and shake from another nightmare. I also starting reliving the nightmare over and over again as I laid there that night. I hated myself even more that he was so traumatized.

On Sunday morning Jaxson was getting so annoyed with me. I kept hugging, kissing and starring at him. I couldn’t help it I just felt so lucky that nothing had happened to him. The one positive that came from this accident was patience. I feel more patient with Jax when he is crying for no reason or is extra fussy. I know it won’t last forever but I hope I can use this time to make it habit.

I didn’t drive until Monday when I had to take Jax to daycare on my way to go to work. I was going to have to go through the intersection where the accident had happened on the way to daycare. My dad knew I was nervous so he drove behind me. I tried so hard not to panic. Even though I was telling myself I was fine and I truly felt fine my body obviously felt different. I couldn’t breathe, tears rolled down my face and my whole face went numb. It felt dramatic but maybe it needed to happen because after that morning I was fine.

One of my main goals in 2017 is to try to find the good in all situations and to overcome negativity. I’m taking this as a sign that someone really wants to test how committed I am to this goal but just so that person knows the challenge is accepted.

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