When I was younger I didn’t think love was going to look like this.

 It’s perfect outside it’s like God let me dial up the weather 
Got the whole crew here, I ain’t seen some of them in forever.
It’s one of those never forget it, better stop and take it in kinda scenes.
Everything’s just right yeah except for one thing.

After spending around 365 days with Jax it’s still hard for me to tell who he is more like. But I can see how Jax is clearly half of me and half of you. People say he looks more physically like me but honestly I’ve only ever seen you. He’s always had your little smirky eyebrow raise and I see my blues eyes fading into your green eyes more every day. As his little personality comes out more every day it is hard to tell who he gets what from because we had too many things in common. I’ve never met a happier kid – that comes from you before life got the better of you. Jax will run around screaming in happiness over nothing.. or I’ll find him cracking up at himself .. it doesn’t take much to make that boy laugh. He hardly ever cries, it’s only when there is a need or pain. But he probably gets that one from me. The hardest part about the first year, along with probably the rest of them is there are all these moments and you’re missing them…

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year.
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this
You should be here.

Just two weeks ago I got a call from the daycare saying that Jax had a 102 fever and that I needed to come get him. That morning I had this feeling that I shouldn’t drop him off. This feeling that I should have stayed home with him that drove me crazy all the way to work. When I got to the daycare an hour later his temperature had gone up to a 103 fever. By the time I got him to the doctor’s office his fever had gone up to 104.5. Jax’s eyes were rolling to the back of his head. He could barely stay awake but the doctor made me try because she was afraid he would have a seizure. Quickly the nurse brought in Motrin and a nebulizer, they wouldn’t let us leave until his temperature had gone done. After what felt like forever I was able to bring him home. Once I put him down for a nap I just sat on the floor as my adrenaline started to wear off. I started replaying in my head everything that had just happened. I didn’t tell anyone this but when I was in the doctors office in the middle of the chaos I whipped out phone and paused starring at your name on the screen. The doctor asked me if there was anyone she could call for me but I told her “no there is no one.” In that moment I needed you there. I have so many people that I could have called to come but if you weren’t going to be there I didn’t want anyone there. So I did another thing alone without you.

You’d be taking way too many pictures on your phone.
Showing them off to everybody that you know back home.
And even some you don’t yeah
They say now you’re in a better place
And I would be too if I could see your face.

Then a few weeks ago I sat at our son’s first birthday party. I had my friends come over for a bonfire and smash cake. I looked around at all my friends most of them brought their person or are in college still enjoying being young and single. All these people have been such blessings and support in the last year but it made me feel weird. I don’t fit into those things, especially not now that I’m a mom. It’s not that I think I need or want a boyfriend, it’s just sometimes I wonder how this might negatively affect Jax. Part of me wonders if this me would even like this you. At this point we’re complete strangers to these new lives and identities we have taken on.

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year.
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this.
Aw you should be here.

365 (ish) days later and I’m still trying to figure out what life looks like without you. Like I said, when I was younger I didn’t think love was going to look like this. Let alone my first name with your last name belonging to someone else. At some point I have to learn to love myself with out you or anyone for that matter but it doesn’t change the feeling that..

Oh you should be here.


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