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becomingjaxsmama

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December 2016

I am really excited to be able to make my own family traditions for holidays. There are certain traditions that my family does that I want to pass down to Jax and other ones I want to create for him that I wish I had done growing up.

Our family traditions to pass down: 

  1. Going to Nagoya on Christmas eve. Nagoya, a Japanese steak house, may be out of reach unless grandma and grandpa are paying but dinner out the night before I still want to do.
  2. Opening one Christmas present on Christmas eve. My mom lets me and my sisters “pick” one present to open on Christmas eve after dinner, usually it is pajamas or something that we will do that night.
  3. Making Christmas cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve day. This is a tradition that our family stopped doing as we got older but I want to start doing it again with Jax. I hope to make a little party out of it with our friends and family.
  4. Before opening Christmas presents on Christmas morning my mom makes us put the baby Jesus in the manger in her Nativity set. Then we read the story of Jesus being born from the bible. To be honest I didn’t like this tradition at all when I was younger. I just wanted to get to the presents but now I understand why my mom wants us to do this.
  5. Having one person pass out presents on Christmas morning. This used to be my job on Christmas morning. I had to sit next to the tree and pass out presents one at a time and make sure every one got one then we would watch each other open their present.

New traditions: 

  1. I want to transform the opening one present the night before into open a Christmas eve box. It will have popcorn, candy, hot chocolate, a movie, Christmas pajamas and maybe slippers or socks. That way we can watch a movie (hopefully The Nightmare Before Christmas) in our new pajamas and have snacks.
  2. 25 books until Christmas. I intend on getting 25 Christmas books this year that I can re-wrap every year to do this. Every night starting December first he will get to unwrap one book that we will read together.
  3. Giving a present he is asking for or picks out to someone else for Christmas. As he gets older I want to teach Jax that giving to other’s at Christmas is what the Christmas spirit is all about. This year I am going to take him with me to pick out toys I know he already likes to use at our house so that we can give them to a school we sponsor at school.
  4. Seeing more of Santa. There are sleigh rides with Santa that I want to make a yearly tradition of. And of course a picture with Santa at the mall.
  5. The spirit of Santa, I read somewhere on Facebook an article about what parents tell their kids about Santa. When Jax gets old enough to know that there is no man that comes down the chimney in each house to delivery presents to kids around the world I want to teach him to become a Santa. I will explain to him that every single person gets to be a Santa when they are a certain age. Like how I would be the Santa of our house for him and that now that he is old enough he can be a Santa for someone else. He will pick a person and think of a special present to get for them but he can never tell that person that he did it.
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Last year Jax was barely a month old at Christmas time. He was at the stage where he only woke up to eat or because he needed his diaper change. Sighs the good ole’ days. This Christmas is going to be a little more exciting for him. Hopefully Christmas morning will be exciting for him but it could go either way. He still doesn’t get it but he thinks the tree is cool and likes to look out the window to see the lights outside. He goes up to our Christmas tree and finds every single ornament of me and takes it off. It is so cute but he probably thinks it’s him.


This past weekend my mom and I took Jax to see the Chick-Fil-A cow Santa. There was a Santa and Mrs Claus it was actually really funny. Jax was a little hesitant about going up to them but when he saw other little boys doing he wasn’t scared. He even tried to photobomb a few pictures. He definitely wasn’t going to let either of them hold him for a picture though.

            

 

Sunday we went with my dad and sister to pick out his first Christmas tree. We didn’t go to a farm or anything fun like that because it was too cold. Of course we get there and Jax is more interested in the carts that carry the trees and the saws.  My dad tried to get him interested in the tree but he didn’t think it was cool until I showed him he was allowed to touch it.

          

 

Later on Sunday evening my best friends and Jax’s best friend, Killian, went to the mall to see Santa. I didn’t even expect to get Jax’s picture taken with Santa this year because I didn’t think he would make it waiting through the line. He actually didn’t do that bad. I had to feed the bottomless pit the whole time but what else is new. Before Killian sat on Santa’s lap I was hyping up Santa to Jax. He waved at Santa a few times and Santa even waved back a few times. But once Killian sat down on Santa’s lap it was all over. Killian screamed bloody murder. I tried to reassure Jax that Killi wasn’t scared and that it was ok but that wasn’t going to do a damn thing. When it was Jax’s turn I sat him down and he had this look on his face like “oh shit.” Thankfully that face was captured before he started crying, even though the crying ones are still funny. I guess the smiling pictures are for when they are older.

Merry Christmas from my little family!

When I was younger I didn’t think love was going to look like this.

 It’s perfect outside it’s like God let me dial up the weather 
Got the whole crew here, I ain’t seen some of them in forever.
It’s one of those never forget it, better stop and take it in kinda scenes.
Everything’s just right yeah except for one thing.

After spending around 365 days with Jax it’s still hard for me to tell who he is more like. But I can see how Jax is clearly half of me and half of you. People say he looks more physically like me but honestly I’ve only ever seen you. He’s always had your little smirky eyebrow raise and I see my blues eyes fading into your green eyes more every day. As his little personality comes out more every day it is hard to tell who he gets what from because we had too many things in common. I’ve never met a happier kid – that comes from you before life got the better of you. Jax will run around screaming in happiness over nothing.. or I’ll find him cracking up at himself .. it doesn’t take much to make that boy laugh. He hardly ever cries, it’s only when there is a need or pain. But he probably gets that one from me. The hardest part about the first year, along with probably the rest of them is there are all these moments and you’re missing them…

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year.
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this
You should be here.

Just two weeks ago I got a call from the daycare saying that Jax had a 102 fever and that I needed to come get him. That morning I had this feeling that I shouldn’t drop him off. This feeling that I should have stayed home with him that drove me crazy all the way to work. When I got to the daycare an hour later his temperature had gone up to a 103 fever. By the time I got him to the doctor’s office his fever had gone up to 104.5. Jax’s eyes were rolling to the back of his head. He could barely stay awake but the doctor made me try because she was afraid he would have a seizure. Quickly the nurse brought in Motrin and a nebulizer, they wouldn’t let us leave until his temperature had gone done. After what felt like forever I was able to bring him home. Once I put him down for a nap I just sat on the floor as my adrenaline started to wear off. I started replaying in my head everything that had just happened. I didn’t tell anyone this but when I was in the doctors office in the middle of the chaos I whipped out phone and paused starring at your name on the screen. The doctor asked me if there was anyone she could call for me but I told her “no there is no one.” In that moment I needed you there. I have so many people that I could have called to come but if you weren’t going to be there I didn’t want anyone there. So I did another thing alone without you.

You’d be taking way too many pictures on your phone.
Showing them off to everybody that you know back home.
And even some you don’t yeah
They say now you’re in a better place
And I would be too if I could see your face.

Then a few weeks ago I sat at our son’s first birthday party. I had my friends come over for a bonfire and smash cake. I looked around at all my friends most of them brought their person or are in college still enjoying being young and single. All these people have been such blessings and support in the last year but it made me feel weird. I don’t fit into those things, especially not now that I’m a mom. It’s not that I think I need or want a boyfriend, it’s just sometimes I wonder how this might negatively affect Jax. Part of me wonders if this me would even like this you. At this point we’re complete strangers to these new lives and identities we have taken on.

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year.
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this.
Aw you should be here.

365 (ish) days later and I’m still trying to figure out what life looks like without you. Like I said, when I was younger I didn’t think love was going to look like this. Let alone my first name with your last name belonging to someone else. At some point I have to learn to love myself with out you or anyone for that matter but it doesn’t change the feeling that..

Oh you should be here.


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