A few weekends ago was my college’s alumni weekend. I didn’t go last year because I was way to pregnant. This year I hadn’t planned on going because I wasn’t ready to bring Jax there yet. My parents agreed to watch him for the weekend so I decided to go.

Now I knew exactly what I was getting into. So I am completely at fault for what happened. I knew I would go back and it would feel like nothing had changed. The sickest part is that I wanted that feeling. The only problem was that I had thought that the year and a half I had been away was long enough to allow me to handle feeling that way in a normal way. I was about an hour into the drive when I started to panic.

I felt like no time had passed since the last time I had been driving back to college. Which was right after my first sonogram I had a month before graduation. I was flashing back to being pregnant and excited but also scared. I wasn’t scared about having a baby. I was scared because my parents were mad and I knew Jack was going to make me do this without him. I wasn’t ready to lose him yet. Some stupid part of me ignores the fact that I did because I’m still not ready for that.

I drove by my old apartment remembering the first time I saw Jack  on my way to class after I had found out I was pregnant. I just remember him being in a black shirt saying something about hanging out soon then hugging me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe in that moment. I also caught myself holding my breathe as I was reliving it in my head.

Walking  through campus I felt like I was constantly reliving all these different moments I had barely even remembered. When we pulled into the tailgate I flashed back to the night we walked past each other as if we did not each other. I used the same bathroom that I would have taken my pregnancy test in had I truly thought I was pregnant. Every where we went my chest felt tighter.

The worse was when we walked past the dorm. I sat in the same spot we met reminiscing about that first conversation wondering how we got to this place we’re in now. After that I couldn’t help myself I knew I was going to have to go inside the dorm. One of our friends badged me in. As soon as I heard the beep my heart sank and I walked all the way upstairs. I would rather not go through the details of walking through that dorm. All I will say was for 20 minutes my friends knew exactly where I was but let me just be and work through it.

I still have a lot of unhealthy things I need to work through about Jack but I feel like alumni weekend set me back and pushed me forward. One of the main things I need to address is balance. I want Jax to decide for himself how to feel about Jack. But I need to learn not to defend him and “romanticize” him to the extent that I have been. I have been so focused on our family and friends (especially ones that have never met Jack) saying untrue or mean things about him because I don’t want Jax to ever hear those things from any of them. I never considered how me defending him this much or not remaining impartial could also hurt Jax.

It’s just hard for me to listen to people talk badly about someone I loved and that I created a baby with. If anything I am more grateful for him now than I had ever been before because of Jax.