For the past two weeks I’ve been stretching myself thin. Between work and Jax I feel like I just can’t catch a break. It feels like I’m just going from one job to the next.
Work sucks because I literally have no control. I basically got a degree to sit at desk and be told when I can go to the bathroom. What’s the point of me being in crazy debt from student loans to get a degree to do something that makes you feel like shit. Don’t get me wrong my job has it’s perks. But it is 100% the most belittling thing I have ever done. I’ve never been treated the way that I have there in my life and trust me I have some pretty awful ex boyfriends. One of my exa boyfriends even works there! Super fun.
When I’m at work all I think about is how I want to be at home instead of working. Jax spends 75% of his time at daycare. That means I am missing 75% of his life just by going to work. Once you add in all the other things I have to get done and sleeping I feel like I barely get to see him. But when I get home and on weekends Jax controls my life. If he doesn’t want to do it we’re not doing it. If he needs something his needs come first – as they should. No matter where I am I am completely out of control. The worst part is I’m basically working to send my kid to a daycare that I don’t even want him at anymore. But I need health insurance therefore I have to works meaning I need daycare. It’s a viscous cycle.
Today was the hardest day I’ve had in awhile. There wasn’t anything in particular that happened to cause it either which probably makes it worse. For whatever reason I just lost it. Maybe I needed to because for the past month I’ve just been holding a lot in. You know being strong because that’s what single moms have to do. Eventually everyone reaches a breaking point. I definitely hit mine. I even smoked a cigarette for the first time in over a year and a half. It helped but it didn’t fix what the real problem is.
I made plans to try to distract myself but I was even distracted from my distraction so I just came home. I’ve been laying here in bed with Jax for about an hour now. I have a million and one things to do but laying here with him asleep on me is reminding me why I do what I do every day. He is the most important part of my life. I know I can’t use him as an emotional crutch to get me through life or bad decisions but he is my perfect motivation to try to do better every day. So I’m going to lay here for five more minutes to soak in these calming moments.
Xoxo Jax’s mom