October 2016

A few weekends ago was my college’s alumni weekend. I didn’t go last year because I was way to pregnant. This year I hadn’t planned on going because I wasn’t ready to bring Jax there yet. My parents agreed to watch him for the weekend so I decided to go.

Now I knew exactly what I was getting into. So I am completely at fault for what happened. I knew I would go back and it would feel like nothing had changed. The sickest part is that I wanted that feeling. The only problem was that I had thought that the year and a half I had been away was long enough to allow me to handle feeling that way in a normal way. I was about an hour into the drive when I started to panic.

I felt like no time had passed since the last time I had been driving back to college. Which was right after my first sonogram I had a month before graduation. I was flashing back to being pregnant and excited but also scared. I wasn’t scared about having a baby. I was scared because my parents were mad and I knew Jack was going to make me do this without him. I wasn’t ready to lose him yet. Some stupid part of me ignores the fact that I did because I’m still not ready for that.

I drove by my old apartment remembering the first time I saw Jack  on my way to class after I had found out I was pregnant. I just remember him being in a black shirt saying something about hanging out soon then hugging me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe in that moment. I also caught myself holding my breathe as I was reliving it in my head.

Walking  through campus I felt like I was constantly reliving all these different moments I had barely even remembered. When we pulled into the tailgate I flashed back to the night we walked past each other as if we did not each other. I used the same bathroom that I would have taken my pregnancy test in had I truly thought I was pregnant. Every where we went my chest felt tighter.

The worse was when we walked past the dorm. I sat in the same spot we met reminiscing about that first conversation wondering how we got to this place we’re in now. After that I couldn’t help myself I knew I was going to have to go inside the dorm. One of our friends badged me in. As soon as I heard the beep my heart sank and I walked all the way upstairs. I would rather not go through the details of walking through that dorm. All I will say was for 20 minutes my friends knew exactly where I was but let me just be and work through it.

I still have a lot of unhealthy things I need to work through about Jack but I feel like alumni weekend set me back and pushed me forward. One of the main things I need to address is balance. I want Jax to decide for himself how to feel about Jack. But I need to learn not to defend him and “romanticize” him to the extent that I have been. I have been so focused on our family and friends (especially ones that have never met Jack) saying untrue or mean things about him because I don’t want Jax to ever hear those things from any of them. I never considered how me defending him this much or not remaining impartial could also hurt Jax.

It’s just hard for me to listen to people talk badly about someone I loved and that I created a baby with. If anything I am more grateful for him now than I had ever been before because of Jax.


Five more minutes 

For the past two weeks I’ve been stretching myself thin. Between work and Jax I feel like I just can’t catch a break. It feels like I’m just going from one job to the next. 

Work sucks because I literally have no control. I basically got a degree to sit at desk and be told when I can go to the bathroom. What’s the point of me being in crazy debt from student loans to get a degree to do something that makes you feel like shit. Don’t get me wrong my job has it’s perks. But it is 100% the most belittling thing I have ever done. I’ve never been treated the way that I have there in my life and trust me I have some pretty awful ex boyfriends. One of my exa boyfriends even works there! Super fun. 

When I’m at work all I think about is how I want to be at home instead of working. Jax spends 75% of his time at daycare. That means I am missing 75% of his life just by going to work. Once you add in all the other things I have to get done and sleeping I feel like I barely get to see him. But when I get home and on weekends Jax controls my life. If he doesn’t want to do it we’re not doing it. If he needs something his needs come first – as they should. No matter where I am I am completely out of control. The worst part is I’m basically working to send my kid to a daycare that I don’t even want him at anymore. But I need health insurance therefore I have to works meaning I need daycare. It’s a viscous cycle. 

Today was the hardest day I’ve had in awhile. There wasn’t anything in particular that happened to cause it either which probably makes it worse. For whatever reason I just lost it. Maybe I needed to because for the past month I’ve just been holding a lot in. You know being strong because that’s what single moms have to do. Eventually everyone reaches a breaking point. I definitely hit mine. I even smoked a cigarette for the first time in over a year and a half. It helped but it didn’t fix what the real problem is. 

I made plans to try to distract myself  but I was even distracted from my distraction so I just came home. I’ve been laying here in bed with Jax for about an hour now. I have a million and one things to do but laying here with him asleep on me is reminding me why I do what I do every day. He is the most important part of my life. I know I can’t use him as an emotional crutch to get me through life or bad decisions but he is my perfect motivation to try to do better every day. So I’m going to lay here for five more minutes to soak in these calming moments. 

Xoxo Jax’s mom 

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