Before I was 40 weeks my doctor offered to let me be induced, being very uncomfortably pregnant I agreed for the soonest date. So on November 19th, 2015 I ran all of my last errands, finished binge watching my Netflix shows, and slept as much as could. That night at 7pm I went to the hospital to be induced. I had not dilated at all, which we had expected, so I was induced using  prostaglandins. Other than my mom accidentally making it seems like my dad was the father of my baby nothing exciting happened that night.

My mom had spent the night with me just in case I had gone into labor in the middle of the night. In the morning I hadn’t made much progress and my contractions hadn’t really started yet so my dad took over while my mom went to breakfast with some of her sisters. My contractions started getting worse and my dad started to get nervous about how much pain I was in. The nurse gave me some magical drug that made me actually feel like I was normal/not in pain for the first time months. Since I was finally relaxed my water broke. I was like “uhhhhh dad.. either I just peed my pants or my water broke..” He came over to with me his arms crossed and very concerned he said “do you think you should call the nurse?” Then starts pointing to the phone next to be but I yelled at him to go out to the hall to get one. Of course this was happening when my mom was gone, the nurse had told her it would be hours before anything significant happened. The nurse told me to go to the bathroom to change but whatever I do don’t look back. Too freaked out by pregnancy and labor I listened so I will never know what kind of a crime scene I left behind me. The only image in my head is that my friend told me after her water broke she just remembered “water” gushing out every couple of seconds until the baby was born.

After my water broke time felt like it was standing still because that’s when the contractions really started to hurt. Of course I had back labor pains which apparently hurt worse than normal ones along with induced labor pains, all I remember was I thought I was going to die and the baby wasn’t technically coming out yet. My friend also told me “don’t try to be a hero.. get the epidural before it really starts to hurt.” I would have listened to her had I know how quickly it would go from not hurting to unbearable. It took two tries to give me an epidural because the first time the lady missed.. just my luck. To get the epidural they told me I had to sit up and lean over as far as could.. being 9 months pregnant and 5 ft tall there wasn’t much room for me to do anything let alone lean over really far. Then they tell you not hold your breath which made me laugh cause I hadn’t been able to breathe for the past 2 or 3 months. Anyways, the first lady missed. So this baller dude came in laid me on my side and with a quick painful pinch in the spin I had the epidural running through my veins. I sat there clicking the button for more drugs probably the rest of the time.. don’t judge me.

A bunch of people visited but when it was time to push I only wanted my mom and my friend to be there. It really is true once your having a baby all modesty goes out the window. You care but not enough to make a big deal out of it. After 30 minutes of attempting to push and making little progress the doctor came back in and was like “why are their heart rates dropping? let me check something.” Without getting into the details, basically my birth canal is not meant to fit a baby through it. When he said OUR heart rates started dropping I started to panic. The doctor, whose name happened to Jack, calmly told me “we need to do an emergency c section as soon as possible.” I was so freaked out I asked him to sedate me but he said there was no time for that. I told one of the nurses that my mom could be in the room with me so they went out to get her.She was confused when she came in the room and didn’t see the baby. I told her “mom don’t tell dad because he will freak out but I am having an emergency c-section will you please come with me.” Surprisingly enough she really didn’t tell him.

Just to paint the picture for you I am strapped to the table like Jesus not able to move at all – not that I wanted to. The lady that was behind my head asked the doctor are you sure you want to give her more medicine and his “yes give her a lot more” followed by this is going to feel like we are unzipping you layer by layer scared the crap out of me. I begged them to wait to start until my mom came into the room but Dr. Jack told me if we waited I was compromising Jax and myself. S0 my mom came in about the time that half my organs were on the table. Unfortunately, there was this metal light above me that I can’t seem to unseen to this day. I remember staring up at it, like a car crash, not able to look away. I watched my entire c-section.

What cracked me up the most about this situation was Jax’s head was massive stuck from me trying to push him out. The doctor had to vacuum his poor little head out (which was so bruised). When my mom heard the vacuum she thought it was him crying and kept trying to look I had to tell her multiple times that it wasn’t the baby crying. He finally was out at 8:02pm that night. I obviously couldn’t get up to go check on him so I made my mom take the newborn pictures of him along count all his fingers and toes. I screamed for her to come back though since some of my organs had been slightly compromised. As the doctors calmly talked about this and frantically worked on me I was still laying their tied to the cross if you will. All I could think about was no no no who will take care of this baby sure as hell won’t be JACK.

I finally got all stitched up and they brought me to the recovery area where I could hold Jax for the very first time. I had to wait an hour before I could go to my recovery room to let people come in to meet him (by the end of this day I had a small crowd waiting on). That hour wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. It didn’t feel real. The nurse handed him to me but I was so freaked out to hold him because I was shaking so hard from the drugs and adrenaline. I was more overwhelmed that an actual human being had exited my body and that my body some how created this adorable little creature than I was with love. A lot of moms say that they were just so overwhelmingly in love from the minute they saw their baby. I mean I loved him like crazy but it wasn’t till a few days later that I got that overwhelmed in love feeling that made me sob.

Once I got to my recovery room my family, Jax’s godfamily and a few others came in to meet him. For the next few days I was spoiled with gifts and visitors. But still no words or sign of “daddy.”

In the hospital I wasn’t able to do anything but lay in the bed. It’s incredibly humbling having to have everyone do every little thing for you. Like take you to the bathroom, help you shower, change your baby, bring you food or water, and help you sit up. I’m glad the nurses and my parents were there to help those first few days because the pain from that surgery I wouldn’t have been able to do anything. I could barely hold him sometimes but it’s all I wanted to do. I didn’t even let him sleep in the bassinet. The rule at the hospital is that you cannot sleep with the baby in your arms so for the first 24 hours (not including the entire time I was in labor) I did not sleep. I tried to put him in the bassinet but I couldn’t handle not being able to get to him. I left him in there for five minutes before I woke up my mom crying to get him from the bassinet to give him back to me. At around 3 am that night one nurse came in and was like “Lauren come on you have to get sleep we can watch him in the nursery for you.” Against my instincts I let her and my mom convince me. I sat there wide eyed more awake than I had been before I gave birth for 20 minutes if that before I called the nurse making her bring him back.

On the second night there was a different nurse to watch over me at night. She was a freaking angel. Not only did she help Jax latch for the first time but she let me hold Jax while I slept. I understand where the rule comes from but with so many nurses around I don’t see the real danger in me sleeping with Jax. I was so aware of his presence that I don’t think I was ever really asleep.

The cuddles I got that night are still burned into my memory like it happened yesterday. I hope it always feels like yesterday. I cannot believe it was almost a year ago that I got to become your mom.

Happy almost birthday baby.