September 2016




Where oh where has my baby boy gone?!


Jax is 10 months old today. In just two short months I will be spending way too much money & will be handing him a smash cake to celebrate his first birthday. It’s the craziest thing to say I got pregnant two years ago. What have I been doing for the past two years? I can’t even really remember. All I know is before I knew it my little baby has turned into a little boy.


Jax doesn’t even look like a baby anymore! As of now Jax still has blue eyes but I see the green really starting to come out. He has 6 teeth already. He is getting the cutest blonde hair with a few curls in the back like mine was. He is almost out growing the baby section of clothes and going to start wearing toddler clothes. He is currently going through the phase where he hates to wear hats. I was able to capture a few pictures of him with a hat on those recently.

He doesn’t even act like a baby anymore. It is so fascinating to watch your little person develop into their personality. I feel like it was yesterday that I was scared to death making my dad drive us extra slow on the way home from the hospital. Now you are crawling up the stairs, starting to walk, eat anything he wants (including frosting off the pavement at your best friends birthday party) and communicating with me. Not just with a little bit of sign language but also with actual words. The cutest things he says are mama (obviously), yeah and bye. The best baby language form of communication he does is he raspberries when he is angry. He also will sign when he is all done.We are still working on thank you but I got him to do it once! It’s not just all the milestones that he is hitting. It’s also seeing little bits of myself & Jack in him that is really amazing to me.

He definitely doesn’t like the changing table at all anymore. He has replaced that favorite place with being in the bath. Or anywhere outside really.  But he absolutely HATES grass. Whenever he is on it he puts his hands in the air and won’t crawl. He does like leaves.. or at least to eat them. His favorite show is Mother Goose. He has watched it so many times that he even starts dancing and copying them.


Although he hasn’t let me feed him a bottle in months, he needs to do it himself, he is still a snuggle bunny. Last night I got so much love. We were laying in my bed while he drank his last bottle before bed. He rolls over to cuddle up next to me, puts his hand on me and says mama then falls right asleep. If I didn’t have to finish getting ready for the next day I would have just gone right to sleep with him for the rest of the night. It was the sweetest thing.


I am so thankful for daycare. I still have my issues with it of course but it has helped get Jax to progress way faster than I thought he would. He learned to walk, use a sippy cup, eat a variety of big boy food and sleep on his belly all from day care. But daycare has also kept me home from work, sent us to the doctors and urgent care more times in the last couples months than I have been in my whole life. I guess some of that is also my fault. Along with my very low immune system apparently I am also the most cautious and anxiety ridden person. I have thrown up more times in the last year than I ever did from drinking. Mainly out of worry and having a weak stomach now that my heart lives outside of my body.

img_1200Jax still sleeps in my room but I have gotten him out of my bed for the most part. I’ve gotten him down to only have 4 bottles a day and only occasionally having one midnight feeding. Now I can put him in my bed for a few minutes then right back into his bed. For weekend naps I still like to have our cuddle time though. Like I said he loves his sippy cup and is obsessed with water. It is so cute to watch him drink it especially from a straw. I’m not too worried about the whole transitioning to not eating at night and no bottles thing because those things seem to be slowly taking care of themselves. I am the most worried about transitioning from from formula to milk.


I love watching how he has created a special bond with my parents. Jax has his special games and things he does with grandpa, like watching sports. He loves playing with grandma in the teepee and showing her how big the baby is. How he recognizes and misses his godmommy and uncle Shane. Jax is starting to cry when godmommy leaves him at the daycare and steals away his bestfriend, which one makes him cry is debatable. But especially his adorable friendship with Killian. They talk to each other and light up when the other one is around. You can tell we aren’t forcing them to be best friends, they just are.

The other day Killian was so sick. More sick than he has been. But I brought Jax over and you would have never guessed he had been sick. He was showing Jax all of his toys and pushing him in his police car. It was so cute to watch them talk and interact with each other. One of Killian’s favorite things to do is to go up the stairs so he tried to get Jax to do it with him. Jax is still hesitant about the stairs. For now he will only go up when I am behind him – I don’t want this phase to ever end. I guess in baby language Jax told Killian he couldn’t go up the stairs or he was scared or something because two seconds later they had abandoned their stairs mission and Killian was leading him to do something else.



We just got into the Brand Repping world. For those of you who don’t know what that is it it is basically supporting small shops by wearing there brand and growing their business. He got his first 6 month brand enthusiast position and 3 month brand rep position. This is a perfect little mother and son bonding thing him and I can do together. I love buying him shit and taking pictures of him. He loves adventures and sweets. Double win for us both.

By far my favorite thing about Jax thus far is the spitfire yet lowkey Scorpio personality. He’s got a lot of personality and a lot of attitude but he doesn’t cry or complain unless he needs something. He generally lists when I tell him no. Although if really wants to go somewhere or do something he will just laugh and crawl faster as I yell no at him. The eyebrow raises, facial expressions, and mannerism are what make him. I hope he never loses these things. No matter what I will treasure them forever.


Jax’s mama.



Before I was 40 weeks my doctor offered to let me be induced, being very uncomfortably pregnant I agreed for the soonest date. So on November 19th, 2015 I ran all of my last errands, finished binge watching my Netflix shows, and slept as much as could. That night at 7pm I went to the hospital to be induced. I had not dilated at all, which we had expected, so I was induced using  prostaglandins. Other than my mom accidentally making it seems like my dad was the father of my baby nothing exciting happened that night.

My mom had spent the night with me just in case I had gone into labor in the middle of the night. In the morning I hadn’t made much progress and my contractions hadn’t really started yet so my dad took over while my mom went to breakfast with some of her sisters. My contractions started getting worse and my dad started to get nervous about how much pain I was in. The nurse gave me some magical drug that made me actually feel like I was normal/not in pain for the first time months. Since I was finally relaxed my water broke. I was like “uhhhhh dad.. either I just peed my pants or my water broke..” He came over to with me his arms crossed and very concerned he said “do you think you should call the nurse?” Then starts pointing to the phone next to be but I yelled at him to go out to the hall to get one. Of course this was happening when my mom was gone, the nurse had told her it would be hours before anything significant happened. The nurse told me to go to the bathroom to change but whatever I do don’t look back. Too freaked out by pregnancy and labor I listened so I will never know what kind of a crime scene I left behind me. The only image in my head is that my friend told me after her water broke she just remembered “water” gushing out every couple of seconds until the baby was born.

After my water broke time felt like it was standing still because that’s when the contractions really started to hurt. Of course I had back labor pains which apparently hurt worse than normal ones along with induced labor pains, all I remember was I thought I was going to die and the baby wasn’t technically coming out yet. My friend also told me “don’t try to be a hero.. get the epidural before it really starts to hurt.” I would have listened to her had I know how quickly it would go from not hurting to unbearable. It took two tries to give me an epidural because the first time the lady missed.. just my luck. To get the epidural they told me I had to sit up and lean over as far as could.. being 9 months pregnant and 5 ft tall there wasn’t much room for me to do anything let alone lean over really far. Then they tell you not hold your breath which made me laugh cause I hadn’t been able to breathe for the past 2 or 3 months. Anyways, the first lady missed. So this baller dude came in laid me on my side and with a quick painful pinch in the spin I had the epidural running through my veins. I sat there clicking the button for more drugs probably the rest of the time.. don’t judge me.

A bunch of people visited but when it was time to push I only wanted my mom and my friend to be there. It really is true once your having a baby all modesty goes out the window. You care but not enough to make a big deal out of it. After 30 minutes of attempting to push and making little progress the doctor came back in and was like “why are their heart rates dropping? let me check something.” Without getting into the details, basically my birth canal is not meant to fit a baby through it. When he said OUR heart rates started dropping I started to panic. The doctor, whose name happened to Jack, calmly told me “we need to do an emergency c section as soon as possible.” I was so freaked out I asked him to sedate me but he said there was no time for that. I told one of the nurses that my mom could be in the room with me so they went out to get her.She was confused when she came in the room and didn’t see the baby. I told her “mom don’t tell dad because he will freak out but I am having an emergency c-section will you please come with me.” Surprisingly enough she really didn’t tell him.

Just to paint the picture for you I am strapped to the table like Jesus not able to move at all – not that I wanted to. The lady that was behind my head asked the doctor are you sure you want to give her more medicine and his “yes give her a lot more” followed by this is going to feel like we are unzipping you layer by layer scared the crap out of me. I begged them to wait to start until my mom came into the room but Dr. Jack told me if we waited I was compromising Jax and myself. S0 my mom came in about the time that half my organs were on the table. Unfortunately, there was this metal light above me that I can’t seem to unseen to this day. I remember staring up at it, like a car crash, not able to look away. I watched my entire c-section.

What cracked me up the most about this situation was Jax’s head was massive stuck from me trying to push him out. The doctor had to vacuum his poor little head out (which was so bruised). When my mom heard the vacuum she thought it was him crying and kept trying to look I had to tell her multiple times that it wasn’t the baby crying. He finally was out at 8:02pm that night. I obviously couldn’t get up to go check on him so I made my mom take the newborn pictures of him along count all his fingers and toes. I screamed for her to come back though since some of my organs had been slightly compromised. As the doctors calmly talked about this and frantically worked on me I was still laying their tied to the cross if you will. All I could think about was no no no who will take care of this baby sure as hell won’t be JACK.

I finally got all stitched up and they brought me to the recovery area where I could hold Jax for the very first time. I had to wait an hour before I could go to my recovery room to let people come in to meet him (by the end of this day I had a small crowd waiting on). That hour wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. It didn’t feel real. The nurse handed him to me but I was so freaked out to hold him because I was shaking so hard from the drugs and adrenaline. I was more overwhelmed that an actual human being had exited my body and that my body some how created this adorable little creature than I was with love. A lot of moms say that they were just so overwhelmingly in love from the minute they saw their baby. I mean I loved him like crazy but it wasn’t till a few days later that I got that overwhelmed in love feeling that made me sob.

Once I got to my recovery room my family, Jax’s godfamily and a few others came in to meet him. For the next few days I was spoiled with gifts and visitors. But still no words or sign of “daddy.”

In the hospital I wasn’t able to do anything but lay in the bed. It’s incredibly humbling having to have everyone do every little thing for you. Like take you to the bathroom, help you shower, change your baby, bring you food or water, and help you sit up. I’m glad the nurses and my parents were there to help those first few days because the pain from that surgery I wouldn’t have been able to do anything. I could barely hold him sometimes but it’s all I wanted to do. I didn’t even let him sleep in the bassinet. The rule at the hospital is that you cannot sleep with the baby in your arms so for the first 24 hours (not including the entire time I was in labor) I did not sleep. I tried to put him in the bassinet but I couldn’t handle not being able to get to him. I left him in there for five minutes before I woke up my mom crying to get him from the bassinet to give him back to me. At around 3 am that night one nurse came in and was like “Lauren come on you have to get sleep we can watch him in the nursery for you.” Against my instincts I let her and my mom convince me. I sat there wide eyed more awake than I had been before I gave birth for 20 minutes if that before I called the nurse making her bring him back.

On the second night there was a different nurse to watch over me at night. She was a freaking angel. Not only did she help Jax latch for the first time but she let me hold Jax while I slept. I understand where the rule comes from but with so many nurses around I don’t see the real danger in me sleeping with Jax. I was so aware of his presence that I don’t think I was ever really asleep.

The cuddles I got that night are still burned into my memory like it happened yesterday. I hope it always feels like yesterday. I cannot believe it was almost a year ago that I got to become your mom.

Happy almost birthday baby.

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