When I first thought about writing this post I was angry. I was angry about all the things that were going on in my life that I felt like I didn’t have time for (we can get to that later). But then I decided to snap myself out of it I need to distract myself so I was going to read. I got on my little Kindle App and bought the book I’ve been meaning to read but too cheap to buy. How I can spend $500 on Jax without batting an eye but can’t fathom spending $12.99 on myself will always blow my mind.
Anyways.. I bought Bobby Bones Bare Bones book. I’ve been listening to the Bobby Bones show since I can remember but recently Bobby and I “connected” on a different level. He played this song Fishin’ With My Dad by the Raging Idiots. It really hit home for me, take a listen I’m sure you’ll see why. Bobby, Lunchbox, Amy and the gang are the anthem to my mornings so I’ve been dying to read this and I’m glad I did because I’ve been having such a hard time writing again. There are AT LEAST ten work-in-progress drafts saved on my blog. Whether I’m not ready for people to read them yet or I can’t see to finish a thought.. that might be the lack of sleep.. I just can’t seem to post something. But now I see how some of the posts can sorta be connected. So let’s see how this goes. Also, today is a good day to do it because it’s my 1 year anniversary of making BecomingJaxsMama.
Back tracking to the anger part..As I said before I’m tired. Not the I stayed up all night binge watch Netflix tired. Not the I drank all weekend tired. Not the have had a lot on my mind can’t sleep tired either. It’s the I’ve been been watching Netflix all night because this is the only thing I do for myself-I drink every day to destress-I can’t sleep because I have too much on my mind-I do everything myself and am raising a human being mom kinda tired. I laugh at childless people who say they are exhausted.. I don’t ever correct them anymore though because one day they will know. This level of exhaustion makes you quick tempered and very prone to multiple episodes of losing your shit. Any mom that says she doesn’t flip flop between ugh I can’t be are you for one more second to the guilty I’m so sorry I didn’t mean that I love you baby is a straight up liar.
Not only am I tired but I’m still trying to figure out how to be a new mom, be myself and work. To me it didn’t seem like that’s a lot on someone’s plate but apparently it is. Basically anything else going on in life is just an added stresser that I don’t know how to balance into my life or know if I want to balance it at all. There are a lot of things that I have decided I’m too mom for that I know I will not balance or put up with in my life. Mainly being disrespect, dishonesty and games. I barely have time to wash my hair so I definitely don’t have time for those three things or the people they come from.
It blows my mind how disrespectful people have continued to be towards me since becoming a mom. The older generation still treats me like a teen mom or doesn’t think I know what is best for my child and once they find out I’m a single mother not even collecting child support they really lose it. Especially with the co-sleeping. The most popular opinions are “you gotta get that baby out of your bed or it will be a habit” or “don’t baby him too much” or the favorite “just let him cry it out.” Well he’s a baby and he’s my baby so… Pre-Jax I might have considered their opinions or let them change the way I do things but now I’m too mom for that. I will cuddle and baby the crap out of Jax as much as I want. He’s only going to be this little for a little while.
Guys that knew me before I was a mom…so disrespectful. They seem to really like to sexualize the fact that I am mom. I didn’t even think it was possible and it’s really sick (I can post about that later on). Don’t get me wrong not all of them are like this I am just overwhelmed at the number that do. Pre-Jax I would have let all these people get to me but now I’m too mom for that.
On the flip side now I don’t put up with crap either which sounds contradicts but I promise it’s not;) Which means if someone wants to be disrespectful they should approach with caution cause I really don’t care anymore. Outside of work I don’t have any problem standing up for myself and telling someone to f*** off cause I’m too mom for that.
Dishonesty has always been a big deal breaker with me. Trust is something I really have a hard time with so if someone is dishonest than they aren’t even worth my time. Pre-Jax I would have given people the benefit of the doubt or given them a second chance but now I don’t have the energy because I’m too mom for that.
Playing games kinda goes hand in hand with dishonesty. I’ll be the first to admit in my past life I lived for games. If a relationship didn’t have any games it had a two second life span before I got bored. Don’t get me wrong I still get all intrigued by a good game but I quickly shoot it down.. I’m too mom for that.
A lot of my old friends or acquaintances sadly fall into this category as well. It’s not that anything happened or that I don’t love them it’s just there is a new mommy spin to my personality. Sugar coating has never been my thing. The majority of my really good friends can take it because they know me. People who don’t know me that will often think they can handle it until it’s coming out of my mouth. So I won’t sugar coat this either.
If you have a problem with me being a mom – great one less person I have to try to keep up with or remember to text back. I have a really hard time texting back no anyways, even though I have my phone all the time.. although once a week I go through all my saved up messages I haven’t opened. If it’s a week day and we have plans other than a play date, some form of Bachelor or drinking at someones house I will probably break the plans to do one of those things. I would rather hang out with my friends that I don’t have to entertain.. those have always been my people but now more than anything. No I can’t just get a babysitter last minute or go away for the an extended period of time without the baby.
I would rather be cuddled up in bed binge watching Netflix by 7pm on any given day or drinking at home. Hey it’s not drinking alone if the kids are home! I still love to do the things I used to I just do it on my own time, which is also controlled by a 9 month old. I get asked a lot if I’m sad I can’t just drink and be 23 but honestly no. I’m too mom for that and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Shout out to all my friends who have adapted to my mom lifestyle. I know I was a pill to handle before all this I appreciate the patience, understanding and love.
Going along with my too mom for that theme I realized I didn’t want it to be all about negatives. Which made me really think about what kind of mom I want to be. Obviously I am always going to be tired. I can’t wait to not be tired in order to start going out and doing fun stuff with Jax. My parents always took us awesome places. I have so many memories of all the places we went growing up and I want to keep that tradition alive with Jax. But I also started thinking about how I want Jax to think of me. I want him to know that life wasn’t always easy for us two but I want him to remember us living in the moment and not taking anything for granted. I don’t want him to remember me every talking bad about anyone (including Jack) or being negative in unexpected situations. Trust me I know there is a long way to go but he is perfect inspiration. There’s some saying “having children is a way to make a better person than yourself” while true, I want this to also make myself a better person too.
XOXO Jax’s Mama