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becomingjaxsmama

Month

August 2016

Tomorrow is the first day of September.

It’s a new month and no it’s not a new me but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to re-prioritize. August is over and so is my relationship. Turns out putting what I thought was best for Jax wasn’t what was best for me. I was into the idea of having a male figure in Jax’s life but I didn’t realizing when looking for a dad maybe I should be looking for a husband first. Next time..if there is a time haha I got to put myself first in order to put Jax first.It all makes sense now. It’s time to spend some quality time with my chosen family. Along with grow into the mom life more before I add in more humans to our equation. (If anything we can just keep em on the side ya dig?)

September is a big month for me, my best friend and her little fam because my godson is turning one. And Jax will soon follow. Even typing that makes me tear up. Finding out my best friend and boyfriend wanted me to be the godmother of their baby is something I am never going to forget. I get asked more than I would like to if I would still have been friends with her had we both not had babies. Me being the godmother alone should have answered that question. At the time she found out I was probably more excited than her. I am going to forever spoil the shit out of that baby. Still excited as I was it was hard to believe she was going to be a mom.. correction we were going to be moms. I can’t believe it was a year ago I was typing up The day I realized I was REALLY becoming Jax’s Mama.. in this very seat. I can’t believe how much I love my godson and my son. I knew I was going to love them and that they would be best friends but I didn’t get it till I got it.

In the last 12 months I feel like I didn’t do everything I wanted to do. I rushed through some moments I probably should have took my time with because now I can never get them back. It’s so hard in the moment not to want the next stage. Then it’s there and you want the next one. Sometimes it’s hard to live in the moment as a parent since there are so many things going on but you have to. These are the things we’re going to remember. How exactly do I want to remember it? Our sweet babies are almost a year old and times not going to slow down just because I asked.

One thing is for sure this September I don’t want to sleep. I’m just saying that as a figure of speech! I don’t want to skip out on going on fun adventures with my son and godson just because I’m tired or there was too much drama. Now it is time to focus on them even when I don’t want to I need to. Go to more family dinners. Find more places to see. Rock in the rocking chair for five more minutes. Let them make a mess. Hop in the bath with Jax. One more of my french fries. Less Mother Goose. And so on I won’t bore you with all the silly mom things I do or want to do more than I already have in this blog.

With that good fucking bye August. Helloooo September.

xoxo,

Jax’s mama

 

So far everything I have written is about me being pregnant, my son, becoming Jax’s mama. This section is going to be about me figuring out how to balance being a new mom while I’m still trying to be 20’s. The majority of this might be password protected just because of the topics won’t always be so motherly or kid/family friendly. (contact me for passwords)

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I’m a new mom but I’m still me guys. Still crazy Lauren. Just a little more tired and a little less available. There still a boy I can’t seem to get out my bed (he just happens to be my son). I can always drink because I’m never alone when my son is home and trust me I need to drink way more now than I did before.

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If there is anything you want to see me post about on any topic baby or not leave a comment below.

XOXO Jax’s mama / LAUREN

I’ve always said pregnancy is the most unnatural thing. Once I got pregnant I was like ehhh maybe this isn’t so bad. At least the first 6 months weren’t that bad physically. But unnatural is definitely a word I would continue to describe pregnancy with.

Pregnancy for me was an experience. I wouldn’t said it was a nightmare because feeling life inside you is an experience you will never forget but after 6 months of pregnancy I couldn’t physically handle it. Not to mention emotionally pregnancy wasn’t easy for me either. I had fights with my family at least once a day but that’s putting it nicely. Jack was a jack ass and so were most of the people surrounding me. It’s funny how once Jax was here everyone changed their minds telling me how great of a mom I am, brought me presents/meals and suddenly thought I made wonderful choice.. well thanks for putting me through nine months of hell guys as if it wasn’t hard enough being ditched to do this on my own. Anyways forgiveness.. one day 20 years down the road I’ll figure it out.

I figured to understand more why I have such bad pregnancy PTSD it would help to explain why it was so hard for me. In the last 11 months I have distances myself from a lot of theses memories and only remember them from an out-of-body type experience. I’m pretty sure that’s a coping mechanism for trauma. So bare with me here as I try to explain it.

Sometime freshman year of college I developed what I call “life anxiety”. Which is literally just anxiety any other person would have but mine was about weird stuff that didn’t even make sense. For example I smoked for 5 or 6 years but I am terrified of fire.. I still wont turn on the kitchen stove. I get anxiety every time I need someone to turn on the stove for me. The point is all of the sudden I was supposed to be protecting this little baby’s life, whom I was already obsessed with, and I was well aware I couldn’t protect him for life. Not being able to control life or protect Jax from it gave me multiple anxiety attacks. I still have at least one real anxiety attack a week now that he is here – mainly because he is crazy and curious.

If my anxiety being heightened wasn’t enough I didn’t have a normal pregnancy. I didn’t have a high risk pregnancy but I had my fair share of medical conditions from pregnancy. These conditions caused three hospital visits and a month off of work before having the baby.

If you’ve ever met me you also know I’m 5 foot.. even. 5 feet that’s it. I have never weighted over 115 lbs my whole life and let me tell you when I was 115 lbs it was considered a really low time in my life that I immediately changed. When I changed my diet (I say that like I wasn’t drinking and eating McDonald’s every day still) and worked out 2-3 times a day I quickly got my weight under 100 lbs. If you didn’t know most people gain an average of 35 lbs when they are pregnant. I didn’t I gain that and more.. by the end I had gain around 60 some pounds. Needless to say I was puffy.. I was huge.. and I was in a significant amount of pain. No matter what I was doing I was not comfortable lying down, standing, sitting, awake or a sleep I just wanted to die. The last month I was pregnant every morning I said to my dad “please just take me out back and shoot me but please save my baby.” I meant it I really did.

It didn’t help that Jax was always measuring about 2 weeks ahead size wise. Of course there are mixed emotions on about how accurate that all is. All I know is I felt like I could breathe for the first time in months when Jax was born. Also my organs felt like they were all being ripped to shreds and smushed as small as they possibly could to fit this baby into my body. Have I convinced you to get pregnant yet? Just keep reading I’m sure I will.

Everyone’s favorite topic comes from me being so small and housing such a big baby as well… stretch marks. They are every where now. My boobs and stomach both look like deflated balloons. Pregnancy trashing my body is enough to give me PTSD for the rest of my life all on its own.

It wasn’t until this past weekend, when I was talking to a relative, that it hit me what one of the worst parts of pregnancy was my parents reaction. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl, probably because me and my mom tend to not stay on the same page (still love you mom). We won’t get into all the details of it but needless to say their reactions to my pregnancy still take a toll on our relationship today.

So here I was going through 9 months of severe anxiety, a short now fat girl who had no room for her baby in her body, covered in stretch marks and all relationships being strained from doing the “right” thing. There is probably more deeply rooted issued to it than just those. But anyways I vowed I would never let or make myself feel this way again..

Now don’t even get me started on sex. After having Jax literally maybe 3 weeks after he was born I was terrified I was pregnant. I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE SEX but I was 100 percent positive I was pregnant. Every single “symptom” I automatically tossed up to pregnancy.  I had to go to the doctor’s office a few months ago I had no reason to believe I was pregnant but I was still 100 percent convinced she was going to come back and tell me I was pregnant. A negative pregnancy test is still not enough to prove to me I am not pregnant. Only a daily ultra sound would cure me of this fear at this point.

One of the things that scars me the most about pregnancy was having an emergency c-section. I will never have the body I had before because there are muscles in my stomach that were cut in half which basically means they are dead muscles. I wasn’t allowed to even walk up the stairs or carry my son’s car seat for weeks. It was awful. But the worst part was people’s reactions.

“Oh you are so lucky you didn’t have to push a baby out.” 

“Be happy you had an easy birth.” 

“Your recovery took longer but it’s easier than if you had done a normal birth.” 

Are you sad that you didn’t get to give birth to your baby.” 

Do you feel like less of a mom because you missed on childbirth.” 

You had it easy all you had to do was lay there and the doctor’s did the work for you. All your left with a tiny scar.” 

I could go on like this for a long time but I’m sure y’all would get bored even though these comments were so shocking to me apparently its common for people to be assholes. A c-section is nothing close to a cop out. I still wake up feeling the tug of each layer of me being torn in to in the middle of the night. I still have to remind myself that I gave birth like this so I could save the life of my son and my own. In my mind having a “normal” birth is way easier because it’s what y’all bodies were meant to do. I am jealous of how natural those mothers had it to deliver. It may have been hard and painful but its how birth is supposed to be. I’m not saying by any means that either situation is easy. It is just hurtful how people that haven’t had a c-section view the woman had no choice but to have one. We’re all pretty bomb for getting a human being out of our uterus.

So maybe I’m self diagnosing myself here but I would say my pregnancy PTSD is very real. It’s been almost a year, even though I don’t remember it all like I used to I still feel the exact same way. Let’s just say Jax may have a sisterless/brotherless life ahead of him..

When I first thought about writing this post I was angry. I was angry about all the things that were going on in my life that I felt like I didn’t have time for (we can get to that later). But then I decided to snap myself out of it I need to distract myself so I was going to read. I got on my little Kindle App and bought the book I’ve been meaning to read but too cheap to buy. How I can spend $500 on Jax without batting an eye but can’t fathom spending $12.99 on myself will always blow my mind.

Anyways.. I bought Bobby Bones Bare Bones book. I’ve been listening to the Bobby Bones show since I can remember but recently Bobby and I “connected” on a different level. He played this song Fishin’ With My Dad by the Raging Idiots. It really hit home for me, take a listen I’m sure you’ll see why. Bobby, Lunchbox, Amy and the gang are the anthem to my mornings so I’ve been dying to read this and I’m glad I did because I’ve been having such a hard time writing again. There are AT LEAST ten work-in-progress drafts saved on my blog. Whether I’m not ready for people to read them yet or I can’t see to finish a thought.. that might be the lack of sleep.. I just can’t seem to post something. But now I see how some of the posts can sorta be connected. So let’s see how this goes. Also, today is a good day to do it because it’s my 1 year anniversary of making BecomingJaxsMama.

Back tracking to the anger part..As I said before I’m tired. Not the I stayed up all night binge watch Netflix tired. Not the I drank all weekend tired. Not the have had a lot on my mind can’t sleep tired either. It’s the I’ve been been watching Netflix all night because this is the only thing I do for myself-I drink every day to destress-I can’t sleep because I have too much on my mind-I do everything myself and am raising a human being mom kinda tired. I laugh at childless people who say they are exhausted.. I don’t ever correct them anymore though because one day they will know. This level of exhaustion makes you quick tempered and very prone to multiple episodes of losing your shit. Any mom that says she doesn’t flip flop between ugh I can’t be are you for one more second to the guilty I’m so sorry I didn’t mean that I love you baby is a straight up liar.

Not only am I tired but I’m still trying to figure out how to be a new mom, be myself and work. To me it didn’t seem like that’s a lot on someone’s plate but apparently it is. Basically anything else going on in life is just an added stresser that I don’t know how to balance into my life or know if I want to balance it at all. There are a lot of things that I have decided I’m too mom for that I know I will not balance or put up with in my life. Mainly being disrespect, dishonesty and games. I barely have time to wash my hair so I definitely don’t have time for those three things or the people they come from.

It blows my mind how disrespectful people have continued to be towards me since becoming a mom. The older generation still treats me like a teen mom or doesn’t think I know what is best for my child and once they find out I’m a single mother not even collecting child support they really lose it. Especially with the co-sleeping. The most popular opinions are “you gotta get that baby out of your bed or it will be a habit” or “don’t baby him too much” or the favorite “just let him cry it out.” Well he’s a baby and he’s my baby so…  Pre-Jax I might have considered their opinions or let them change the way I do things but now I’m too mom for that. I will cuddle and baby the crap out of Jax as much as I want. He’s only going to be this little for a little while.

Guys that knew me before I was a mom…so disrespectful. They seem to really like to sexualize the fact that I am mom. I didn’t even think it was possible and it’s really sick (I can post about that later on). Don’t get me wrong not all of them are like this I am just overwhelmed at the number that do. Pre-Jax I would have let all these people get to me but now I’m too mom for that.

On the flip side now I don’t put up with crap either which sounds contradicts but I promise it’s not;) Which means if someone wants to be disrespectful they should approach with caution cause I really don’t care anymore. Outside of work I don’t have any problem standing up for myself and telling someone to f*** off cause I’m too mom for that. 

Dishonesty has always been a big deal breaker with me. Trust is something I really have a hard time with so if someone is dishonest than they aren’t even worth my time. Pre-Jax I would have given people the benefit of the doubt or given them a second chance but now I don’t have the energy because I’m too mom for that. 

Playing games kinda goes hand in hand with dishonesty. I’ll be the first to admit in my past life I lived for games. If a relationship didn’t have any games it had a two second life span before I got bored. Don’t get me wrong I still get all intrigued by a good game but I quickly shoot it down.. I’m too mom for that. 

A lot of my old friends or acquaintances sadly fall into this category as well. It’s not that anything happened or that I don’t love them it’s just there is a new mommy spin to my personality. Sugar coating has never been my thing. The majority of my really good friends can take it because they know me. People who don’t know me that will often think they can handle it until it’s coming out of my mouth. So I won’t sugar coat this either.

If you have a problem with me being a mom – great one less person I have to try to keep up with or remember to text back. I have a really hard time texting back no anyways, even though I have my phone all the time.. although once a week I go through all my saved up messages I haven’t opened. If it’s a week day and we have plans other than a play date, some form of Bachelor or drinking at someones house I will probably break the plans to do one of those things. I would rather hang out with my friends that I don’t have to entertain.. those have always been my people but now more than anything.  No I can’t just get a babysitter last minute or go away for the an extended period of time without the baby.

I would rather be cuddled up in bed binge watching Netflix by 7pm on any given day or drinking at home. Hey it’s not drinking alone if the kids are home! I still love to do the things I used to I just do it on my own time, which is also controlled by a 9 month old. I get asked a lot if I’m sad I can’t just drink and be 23 but honestly no. I’m too mom for that and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Shout out to all my friends who have adapted to my mom lifestyle. I know I was a pill to handle before all this I appreciate the patience, understanding and love.

Going along with my too mom for that theme I realized I didn’t want it to be all about negatives. Which made me really think about what kind of mom I want to be. Obviously I am always going to be tired. I can’t wait to not be tired in order to start going out and doing fun stuff with Jax. My parents always took us awesome places. I have so many memories of all the places we went growing up and I want to keep that tradition alive with Jax. But I also started thinking about how I want Jax to think of me. I want him to know that life wasn’t always easy for us two but I want him to remember us living in the moment and not taking anything for granted. I don’t want him to remember me every talking bad about anyone (including Jack) or being negative in unexpected situations. Trust me I know there is a long way to go but he is perfect inspiration. There’s some saying “having children is a way to make a better person than yourself” while true, I want this to also make myself a better person too.

XOXO Jax’s Mama

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