One of the hardest days I’ve had so far since realizing I was going to be a single mom was realizing my son was going to have a half sibling. It wasn’t hard because it hurt my feelings. It was hard because I knew one day it would hurt Jax.
I found out Jax’s “dad” was going to be a dad to another baby. He wanted nothing to do with us and was more than happy to pay for an abortion for me but now months later he is signing up to be a dad for someone else.
I have all the time in the world before Jaxson starts asking about his dad but how in the world do you explain to your little boy that his daddy wasn’t ready to be a daddy but was ready to be someone else’s daddy who isn’t even a year older than you. It sounded like an episode from One Tree Hill – at least my son was Lucas. My heart is broken for my little boy.
Everyone warns you that being a parents is hard and I didn’t believe them until I saw Jax in pain for the first time. It’s hard seeing your baby in pain when there is nothing you can do about it. The rest is manageable. I knew not having his biological father in the picture was going to cause him some sort of pain whether it was emotional or financially if I wasn’t able to give him everything. This was just another cherry on top of an already messy situation that I don’t know how to handle yet.
I need to keep reminding myself do I really want him as a role model for Jax? Of course not so we are so much better off and healthy without him. Jaxson will benefit from a life of opportunity without him. He has a potential to have an awesome father instead of being stuck with a guy who may not be.
I need to let them do whatever they need to do and protect my son. He’s the only thing that matters no matter what. I’m never going to be hateful of his father in front of him and I’m not going to let anyone talk shit about him. If he ever wants to meet him then I will support him and if His father ever hurts him I will kill him. Most importantly don’t want him to think I am resentful I don’t want to teach him hate. I just hope that’s enough. I hope I am enough.
He may have a self centered dad but he is the center of his mama’s world.
XOXO Jax’s Mama